...Life as Lushgurl...

EIGHT DAYS AND COUNTING- BUT WHO'S COUNTING

2009-07-12T12:53:00.013-04:00

I found this picture of me while looking through some old photos. It is one of very few pictures ever taken of me that I actually didn't hate. Notice I did not say I actually liked it, I just don't hate it and for me that is progress today. I have also been visiting different blogs that were on my list. Sadly some of the blogs have been removed totally, and others have had no new postings for quite a while. Lucky for me and many others like me, most of my favorites are still alive and going strong. THANK YOU to all of you who are still here and willing to share with others.

From time to time when I was still 'out there' I would breeze by and catch up on y'all, there was a part of me who desperately wanted to reach out and comment, but knowing that I was in relapse, I convinced myself that I would have nothing of any value to say. Funny that I often feel that way even when I'm sober. One thing that I took note of was that for the most part people had changed. They had changed addresses, or hair styles, some had become married or divorced, there were babies born, and loved ones lost, they had new cars, new jobs, new wrinkles... but change they did. I think in the preamble, or somewhere in AA it says 'change we must'. There are all kinds of clues and catch phrases to this extent....'if nothing changes, nothing changes', or the definition of insanity 'doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'. I could go on but I think you get the point.

My point is that for all of my years of sobriety, therapy, groups, rehab and AA, how much did I actually change? On many levels I felt that I had changed and mostly for the better, but there are still many other things about me that need to be changed. My dilemma had always been that I was always afraid of change, anybody remember the many things on my phobia list?
Well, ever since I was little I had been afraid of new things, schools, people, sports, tasks, basically anything that I had never done before. I remember when I was in high school and computers were just being invented, many people embraced this new technology and jumped on the bandwagon. Me? I wanted nothing to do with this new fangled invention, I thought it was stupid and who the heck would want one of those things anyway, it took up a whole room!!! Boy was I wrong lol!

For me to make lasting changes in my life, I guess, I always wanted some kind of guarantee that things wouldn't be WORSE that they were before. If I lived with an abusive boyfriend, for example it would take me years to get out because the fear of starting over would be too great,or the fear of meeting someone more abusive would keep me where I was. I did however receive one guarantee when I first came to the program- someone said ..."if you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it.... and if you are not happy we will refund your misery". Now there was an offer I could not refuse, ya mean I can get sober and work on the program, the steps, and learn a new way of life and if I don't like it I can go back to the way things were? Boy oh boy, now there's an understatement.

Sure we can give up all that we accomplished and go back to using, but we get so much more than just misery in return. I often felt the need to tell people that I was an alcoholic- talk about a buzz kill! And alot of meetings were on the path between my home and the bar- stupid AA, though I tried to avoid eye contact, many of y'all recognized me and wanted to exchange pleasantries, stupid recovering alcoholics! Last summer I would have been sober two years had I not started smoking dope again, even though I hadn't yet 'drank' I knew I relapsed, so I stopped going to meetings. I worked at an outdoor fruit and vegetable market and many people from the program were customers. It is hard to be polite and do ones job when we think that all these people were coming just to re-recruit me into AA, even if they purchased pounds of fruit and vegetables. To further add to my guilt and rain on my party-timin, they would say things like how are you doing? or I've missed you where have you been?

I guess one thing I have come to realize is that the majority of AAers are people who really and truly mean what they say, and when they say "Welcome" to the newcomers it is because we newbies have a way of reminding the oldtimers of how sick they can become if they pick up that first drink. I know personally if I would see someone relapse I would be grateful for the research they had done and I could take their word for it that it doesn't get better out there. All in all I guess I must have changed somewhat, it only took me about a year to get back into recovery this time. I have not avoided all human contact this time. Most importantly, I get to use my compy to forward information to the masses- and who said they'd never last? Have a great and ever changing day all, I think I will too!

I THINK I'M BACK

2009-07-10T12:47:00.008-04:00

I have not posted nor visited anyone for so long that I am not even sure where to start.... It may or may not be evident to some that I have relapsed. Tomorrow will be one whole week since I used anything, I am not yet sure how I feel about being newly sober again. I officially relapsed one year ago on Christmas day with my daughter and her then boyfriend. Yup, you heard right the insanity of using was already in full force before I smoked that first joint. The rest as they say is history... I smoked then I drank and then went back to sniffing the powder....It got worse and worse and quickly, and I am here to tell you there just ain't no gettin better... while using.

I was reading some of my older posts and I began to realize how little has actually changed in my life since then. For example I am still filled with the feeling that maybe there just is something in me that is so flawed, so horribly bad, so unfixable that I may never fully recover. I also realized that my child, who is now almost eightteen-how the heck did THAT happen-is still just as angry and just as disrespectful to me as she ever was. And also how powerless I am to do anything to change/fix/take care of her at this point in my life, but I can once again attempt to change/fix/take care of self and hopefully be able to share again , at least here for now....

Earlier this week my child and I had another famous fight, although I believe I have handled her outbursts better than in the past, she has apparently upped the ante in this war of ours. If I do not run/jump/hide/give in, she gets violent and fast. When she hit me last week, the neighbors called the cops and of course I became the bad guy...if only I had "got out of" her face, she said she wouldn't have hit me, if I had shut the f up, she wouldn't have hit me, if I had continued to allow her and her new 23 yr old boyfriend to live for free in my basement, smoking dope and drinking alcohol, and coming and going as they please, she wouldn't have hit me...but I didn't and so I got hit, hard, twice in the head and shoved down to the stairs and left my arm bruised and my self esteem completely deflated.

With help I managed to get her out of my house, I spoke to the police and -of course- refused to press charges, again, because in some way I still believe that yes, it IS all my fault and yes I do deserve to get hit and be so disrespected. To further prove my point to myself I then proceeded to cut up my arm in a half-assed attempt at suicide and take a handful of pills to help me sleep/die- which of course didn't work on any level, unless I was trying to make myself feel even worse, and on that I did great.

I know from many years of going to AA that if I am to recover I need to be totally honest, and that has been difficult for me to do, my opinion of honesty depends on how I feel that day or who I am speaking to, I have learned that honesty is a double edged sword. People say they want honesty, until they get it. Like the horrible way I feel the need to physically hurt myself in a vain attempt to transfer the pain on my insides to the outside where... I dunno, you can see how scarred I am? so you can see how ugly I really am? so my inside pain is visible?

I have wanted to just not be here anymore I have wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up again. I feel like I am not needed here anymore. My daughter is grown (almost) I have no job, no friends and no family contact. I do not remember a time when I have felt more alone, more hurt, or more confused of what it is I am meant to do with my life.... I am very unhappy today, I may feel better tomorrow, I may not. But I am by His grace, sober today and that is a start.

DOH---TAGGED AGAIN!

2007-12-07T14:15:00.000-05:00

Inmatezwife got me----Here are the rules, word for word from her blog...

Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
Post these rules on your blog.
List seven random and/or weird facts you have learned in recovery.
Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs
Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog

Lets play now, whadda you say.................... Oh all right, maybe if I focus on something else besides "poor me", I'll actually feel better!

1. I have learned that I am not different, unique or the 'only one who thought this way! I am, however, still special!

2. The more I think I know, the more I realize how much I actually still have to learn .

3. As crazy as I thought I was when I was still using, I have come to believe that I could only get crazier if I chose to use again.

4. In my old and very materialistic world I thought the one who died with the most stuff won...now I know that the one who dies with the most stuff is just dead when they die.

5. My search to be happy by looking outside myself has brought me to looking within where my spirituality is- and THAT makes me happy.

6. I always thought I was born bad, I am bad now and I'll always be bad. I know now that I was born pure and good, I did some bad things and I'm not so bad after all.

7. I may grumble and groan and throw pity parties for me, myself and I, but it is so much better to laugh and play with friends.

So here are the friends I am inviting to come and play with me , and no, I am not putting the links here, because they are all in my side bar, and besides, I don't know how to put the link thingies in my post the way some of y'all do!..

1. Sharon- from Fellow Traveler 2. Judith- from Vicarious Rising 3. Lounge Daddy- from Lounge Daddy Chronicles 4. Shannon - from Todaay 5. Pam -from Sobriety is Exhausting 6. dAAve -from Higher Powered and last, but not least, 7. Scott W. -from Attitude of Gratitude.

So that is it for today folks! I haven't been feeling that great lately, ya know, stuck in myself, but I am glad that I checked in, amazing how that works sometimes!

I THINK I'LL EAT CROW NOW

2007-11-24T10:55:00.000-05:00

Many newcomers, having experienced little but constant deflation, feel a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become persuaded, sometimes rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered only by the individual's will.
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?

Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!

On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.

In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?

HA HA HA HA HA HA WAAAAH...

2007-11-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105

Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.

All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!

So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...

to have some choices to make
to be clean and sober despite my own will
that I really do know the next right thing to do
that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
I have everything I need today, and then some

Happy Sunday folks!

AND THERE SHE WAS GONE...

2007-11-05T14:22:00.000-05:00

Hmmmmph!!! I have been sick the last couple of weeks, feelin' better now, but let me tell you, in Lushgurls' world when it rains, it POURS ! So let me catch you all up, and at the risk of bein' a lyin' little lyin' liar, I dare say, I will then be by to begin stalking to y'all....

.... So about three weeks ago I was coming down with a cold, no biggie really, but then my ear started doin' freaky things like popping and leaking. Well I did what any mother/alcoholic would do and ignored the problem hoping it would go away on its own- to no avail. When I woke up on the Monday I was feeling much like a survivor that a very large truck had run over, only worse, so I called boss man to ask if he could get other deli gurl to come in an hour early so that I could get to a doctor. He suggested that I take the day off. Heck, he said "I have hired a full-time cook and I'll be changing the scheduale, I will only need you on Wednesdays from 2:00 til 6:00". I was not impressed. Suffice it to say that although I was grateful to not have to work at all that day, I was disappointed that my hours were seeming to be cut so drastically, left with a shift that I would find it difficult to manage, as Wednesday is my aftercare/AA meeting night. So I did what any cranky, sickly, alcoholic would do and I pulled a hissy fit, then I hung up on boss man, then I cried , no, sobbed really. The following Wednesday, I showed up to work as if nothing had happened, making sure to glare at new-full-time-cook-guy as I waited to speak to boss man. When he had a moment, he told me (boss man, not new-guy) that he had not yet made up the new scheduale, and he didn't need me that day.... I have not worked since. WHAT THE HECK?? I have been into the store on several occasions since then, and as of yet have not received my new hours, and so it may seem that I am once again un-employed, go figure!

It has now been three whole weeks of not working and I don't like it one bit! Now that we have changed the clocks again, it is even harder for me with less sun light and in anticipation of a creeping depression, I have begun to go to many more meetings- five last week. I have also rewritten my resume and started l00king for yet another job, I have already applied at Starbucks and will be calling another Deli/Market that has recently opened in my nieghborhood, so hopefully I will not feel the need to whine at y'all about not working again!

So much has been going on with Dev- I mean AAngel too! She is definately a self-willed teenager at her best(?)... She likes to come and go as she pleases with little regard for curfews. AAngel recently told the Vice-Principal at her school that she really only went there to socialize, and to make her point, she regularly makes it in to school by noon!!! I have been resisting the urge to wrap my hands around her tiny little neck, telling her instead that I love her anyways and that her 'primary purpose' today is to get an education. After school, she has a part-time job, and after that if there is time left over she can socialize, but who am I kidding? She IS after all 16, and the child of two alcoholic parents, and MY spawn, so it seems that my darling daughter may hafta find her own path in the most difficult way possible- I have decided to turn her over to God- at least then she may have a fighting chance!

Today would have been my fathers 77th birthday, I hope he is peacefully resting with Our Father today, and I dedicate this Daily Reflection reading to him...

This...has to do with the quality of faith... In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves.... We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done"

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg 32

God does not grant me material possessions, take away my suffering, or spare me from disasters, but He does give me a good life, the ability to cope and peace of mind. My prayers are simple: first , I express my gratitude for the good things in my life regardless of how hard I have to search for them; and second, I ask only for the strength and the wisdom to do His will. He answers with solutions to my problems, sustaining my ability to live through my daily frustrations with a serenity I did not believe existed, and with the strength to practice the principles of AA in all of my everyday affairs.

And with that all I have to say is- READY OR NOT- HERE I COME

THE RETURN OF DELI GURL PART ONE

2007-10-17T17:22:00.000-04:00

'Kay you all, I have so much to share and as usual no time to do it! Do you realize that it takes me about an hour to type, check and publish each and every post? LOL- I never claimed to be a whiz on the compy after all!!!

So, deli dude ended up taking an undisclosed amout of time off from the Deli. Boss man brought in a few other people to cover the loss of one employee, I work with one of the newbies directly, the others work the evening shift mainly in the store so I don't know them that well. If ya haven't guessed yet, I have been sooooo busy, I haven't even posted or visited anyone. Gawd. I so miss all of you, it's just at the best of times I have a tough time typing, and with all of my extra hours and responsibilities, my hands have been pretty swollen and useless by the time I actually make it home at night!

The good news/bad news is that I may be back to haunt you all sooner than I had originally thought! I don't yet know for sure, but I may be unemployed again! Check in for " Part Two ", as I have more info to fill in... for now I will leave with a gratitude list followed by a couple of pics of my not-so-pretty hands wearing a couple of rings that have a story to go with them...

Today I am grateful for the following...

I have my relapse prevention group tonight
I actually had a BIG craving to drink today, but chose NOT TO

My daughter and I are having issues, but not killing each other today!

to be healthy, happy and sober

to have people in my life who love me unconditionally

to be able to check in today and let all y'all know I am still alive and kickin'

to be alive and kickin'
Um, I know the pic is hard to see, but the ring on the left is one with my late fathers' birthstone in it- a topaz. A friend of AAngels found it and when I heard what it looked like I bought it from him for $20. On Thanksgiving (2nd Monday in October for us Canucks) I showed my mom, and told her that it made me feel like dad was still with me to have the ring on, so she gave me one with her birthstone (an emerald). Both of the rings have diamonds around the centre stone and are really pretty- it is like my own tribute to my mom and dad....

ME, SELF-WILLED?

2007-09-23T12:35:00.000-04:00

Well, I have had a week ! It is always a good thing to actually be here to have a week, that being said though, I often wonder if I am in some way creating chaos in my own life. It seems that I go from famine to feast, from utter despair to infinite joy, from poverty to wealth (LOL). That is why I renamed my blog to ...Life as Lushgurl...

I am still enjoying my job. It is a very fast paced Deli, we must get over a hundred customers between 11:00 and 2:00. and there are two of us working in the Deli part, and over the last three weeks, we have found a way to be an incredible team. My co-worker, I'll call him Deli-dude, has been there for over four years now, for most of the four years he has done the job alone. He is quite young, at only 24 , but he has a strong dedication to the satisfaction of his customers. Deli-dude has a work ethic much like my own, he always puts the customers needs first, he is all about making the best sandwich in the least amount of time. He is not so big on the appearance of the Deli though, as we are often so busy that things get dropped on the floor, or we need to have something filled, and that is where I have found my niche. And then there is the boss/owner of the place...

The Deli is actually a part of a somewhat large corner store. The owner has been there for probably 20 years or so, and has become known in these here parts as THEE place to go for delicious food, served quickly. I think this man is some form of genious. Many corner stores offer a variety of over-priced items that one might run out of and not want to travel to a larger grocery store to get. But owner-guy tapped into the need for more in his quest for a successful life in Canada. At first glance, it may seem to be a Deli like any other, but you soon come to realize that this is no ordinary eatery. We must have about 20 different types of Deli meats, all sliced to order as a sanwich or a take home item. We also serve a variety of fresh, home made salads, muffins and desserts. What he is known for, is his chicken, bacon and avocado sandwich, topped with his own mixture of mustard/mayo and black pepper sauce. Every morning Deli-dude and I make up about 50 different sanwiches ahead of time for super quick grab-and-go access. These pre-mades always sell out within an hour, plus we have many regular patrons coming in for their own selections, and lots of new faces every day!

On Friday, Deli-dude did not come in to work. He starts an hour before I do, so by the time I arrive, all of the days' meats have been cut, the veggies for the sanwiches have been prepared, and he has begun to assemble the pre-mades. When I get there, I take care of making sure that the preparation area is clean and fully stocked. I make up a huge batch of sauce, sweep the floor, put random stuff away and make up a fresh batch of tuna salad. We work side by side preparing the pre-made sanwiches, the boss cuts our bread ( he primarily uses egg bread that we get fresh from the bakery in un-sliced loaves) and he serves the customers at the cash. The three of us run a pretty good thing all working together but separately, so when Deli-dude took an un-schedualed day off, the whole system was thrown out of whack. When I arrived at 10:00, none of the prep-work was done. We didn't have enough sauce made up to get the pre-mades ready, there had been no meats or bread cut for the daily customer orders and the Deli was a MESSS! Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about taking orders from the boss, however, Deli-dude and I have established a system that is quick, efficient and geared to the pleasure of our patrons...

I suppose Boss man has made his millions (?) by being money conscious, along with his special sandwich which is not sold anywhere else in the city of Ottawa... but I am a Deli-gurl at heart, and I know from experience that a little extra goes a long way in keeping the regulars happy as well as bringing in new customers and having them come back with their friends and families... Deli-dude, as I mentioned, has much the same work ethic as I, and Boss man worries about the bottom line, keepin costs down and profits up, and Deli-dude was not there on Friday! So I am doing my best to do all of the things that should have been done by the time I arrive, plus my own tasks, plus serving assorted customers as they arrive, plus make the pre-mades, and boss man is doing his best to serve people at the cash, cut the bread and critisize me for putting too much meat on the sandwiches, removing avocado and telling me in which order the sandwiches should be assembled! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH...

I am so thankful that I got to meet with my sponsor first thing on Saturday morning. She reminded me that I am not the boss of anything!!! Oh, and did I happen to mention that my 16 year old came home very drunk on Friday night??? This weekend I have been praying to let go of my need for control, the will to do His work better, and patience with those I must concede to! I wonder what today's Daily Reflection has to say ...

He {Bill W} said to me, gently and simply, "Do you think that you are one of us?"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 413- Third Edition

During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realized that the dark counter-balance of my attitude was the constant feeling that I did not "belong". At first, in AA, I identified with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody's.

So there you have it! I am planning to do the best I can today. I also want to say that I have visited only about a dozen of you from my friends links so far today, and I have more than forty!!! Who the heck PUT that many people there... Anyway, if I have not dropped by lately, I will do my best to get there within the next few days.... Love you all, and plan a great day!

CHECK OUT MY GUESTBOOK

2007-09-23T12:33:00.001-04:00

If you haven't yet. please take a moment to sign my guestbook, just click on sign my guestbook, view all guests or slide to sign....thank you!

HEY, REMEMBER ME?

2007-09-18T01:02:00.000-04:00

Well I am still around somewhere, and I can hardly believe that it has been almost a week since I last posted! As some of you may have noticed, I dropped by on the weekend. Do you guys remember when I used to post almost everyday and visit mostly everyone on my links too? My AAngel, and my friend the Maven would say that I could do all of those things because I didn't have a life!! Well guess what? Now I have a life (of work anyways), and I have not yet found the balance required to do all of the blog stalking I used to do. Add in a few meetings a week, my after-care group, bi-weekly therapy, meeting with my sponsor, housework, laundry, time with my kid and others, and you can maybe understand why I have not been as vigilant as I used to be in staying in touch with y'all! Hopefully I can be forgiven, after all I am striving for progress, not perfection here!

In loving memory of the good old days, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.122

Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possesions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them. When I first came into AA, I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself. Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.

All righty then, I am still extremely grateful

for this gift of sobriety
to have found a job I love
that I still have stalkers even when I haven't been by your place
for all of the miracles that God has put in my path
to have everything I need and enough to share too
I am willing and able to keep growing and changing
to each and every one of you, who keep the home fires burning until I return

I hope you all take time to smell the flowers today...

MISS YOU ALL...

2007-09-11T10:25:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy, so here is a quick update...

workin' hard
still clean and sober
happy
grateful for the day
miss you guys, will come by soon
wish you all a great day
gotta go, running late!

I AM NOW A WORKIN' GURL!

2007-09-05T07:45:00.000-04:00

Yup, have a seat if yer not sittin' already! Me, Lushgurl, actually found a job. Well, I can't take all of the credit really, I was speaking to my sponsor the other day and kind of stressing over the financial situation that I am in. OK, I was not so much speaking as I was ranting! But the point is, that my sponsor, in all of her sponsorly wisdom told me to keep it in today. Sound familiar to anyone? Our dear friend Pam always says it too! So she told me to pray for some money, that miracles do happen, and maybe I'd find a cheque in the mail or something LOL. And I took her advice, but I asked God to just let me know that I'd be ok. I don't believe I should be askin' for money because I don't know if that is God's Will for me, but I know that He does provide or He'll send me a sign of what to do...

On Saturday AAngel and I had gone out, stopping for bus tickets at a corner store near our house, I noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window. I spoke to the gurl who was working and she suggested I bring in my resume and give it to the owner, which I did on Sunday. I was telling him a little about my work experience at the Deli, how I ran it by all by self for about six weeks, and he said he would call me in a couple of days, and that maybe I could start training on Thursday. As we were leaving AAngel gives me a big hug and says "Mommy I am so happy for you, you got the job!" Now me, being who I am, did not see it that way, I thought he said he'd call me to let me know, and then I would start on Thursday. He didn't even look at my resume that I had been working on since last March- the NERVE of him!

Monday night I got a phone call asking if I could come in Tuesday from 10:00 until 2:00!!! I worked yesterday and when I was leaving, my new boss gave me my hours for the week. It is called "Sherwood Deli and Meat Market". I loved my first day, I feel in my element there. The guy who was training me was quite impressed that I caught on so fast, he said he liked that I didn't stand around waiting to be told what to do. I think we make a good team. Ever cool huh? In the good vibes of the day, I continue with this reading from As Bill Sees It- opened randomly:

AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die.

***************************

Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill the immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

Have the best day EVER, and I'll stalk to ya soon!

I'VE BEEN THINKING

2007-09-02T12:26:00.000-04:00

So much has been going on in my life lately, I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff that has seemed to make a return appearance in my life since I have become clean and sober. Sometimes I envy the people who only have to deal with addictions. Selfishly, I am relieved to discover just how many others are out there who have 'other issues', as they say in the Big Book. The thing is, I first started this blog for fun, and then I discovered a whole world of people out there in recovery, Oh Joy, Oh Bliss! So I have made a decision to start another blog where I can share my feelings about self-esteem and self-image as well as a place for me to vent about family of origin issues. I think it will be by invite, as some of you may not relate or even be interested. If you would like to check me out let me know and when I'm up and running I'll send you an e-mail.

Here is today's Daily Reflections reading:

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
As Bill Sees It pg. 8

Sobriety fills in the painful " hole in my soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery that willingness to grow. Today I am willing to grow.

As usual, I find it is no coincidence that this reading directly reflects what I have chosen to do in my recovery. I have been praying to have the willingness to finally deal with some other issues that have so plagued me in the past. Actually, my avoidance of doing ALL the work, I believe, sent me back out on more than one occasion. Today I value myself, my sobriety, and all of my friends and loved ones. Here is yet another example of how my HP takes care of me, I am now actively working on Step Three with my sponsor, and there is a reading from the Big Book, Chapter Five, that says:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling , powerful ! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now.

Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon..."

With that I will pray that each and every one of us have a peaceful , loving day, safely tucked into the caring arms of God- I love you all.

TAGGED

2007-08-30T16:30:00.000-04:00

This is a picture of me trying to help MY JAYS get to the pennant race! No, I never give up on My Boys! To see more crazy goings on go here :http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I have been tagged by Inmatez Wife. I am supposed to list eight random things about me, reading some other lists was lots of fun, some people are real freaks ya know! Whew, I thought I was the only one!!!

8 random things about me:
1. I was 19 before I had my first real boyfriend (don't ask!)
2. I have been on tv three different times for two different reasons
3. Ever since I was little I have made up languages, Aangel and I do it today!
4. I am a natural redhead but dyed my hair blonde until I had a beautiful baby gurl with red hair
5. I have three piercings in each ear, and a nose ring
6. I believe that maybe I was a cat in another life because my fingernails are curved like claws
7. Beards on men really gross me out- ICKY POO- unless they're very short and neat
8. I have to flip my pillow over so my face is on a cool spot or I can't sleep

So there ya have it folks, hope you enjoyed today's edition of "What makes Lushgurl a Freak?" I am supposed to tag three people to do this one so I choose Syd, Scott (Sober Nuggets) and Sober Chick! Yup they all start with the letter 'S' , I guess that is another weird thing about me- I like to keep things simple- get it?!!! This post is short and sweet (like me) today as I have recently discovered a new computer game that I definitely am not addicted to... I'll be by tomorrow to stalk to you all.

Had to come back because one of my 'tag-ees' turned me down -WAAAH- anyway, in keeping with the 'S' theme, I am tagging Shadow and Sober Steve!

TIME FLIES WHEN YER HAVIN'...

2007-08-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

This is my first post as a forty-six year young, I might be whinin' now, but I'm bound to get past it sooner or later! I was so busy complaining that I didn't get a b day card from my mom that I totally forgot about my little squirrel (see above). Yup, my mommy knows how much I love garden prizes, and she got me this little squirrel for my garden. When I start cleaning up my garden for the winter I will post all of the little buddies I have keeping my flowers company! If ya didn't think I was 'nuts' before, just wait until you see my garden babies!! So to alleviate just a little of the insanity that I call my life, here is today's Daily Reflection...

Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves to others. Alcoholcs Anonymous pg 159

These words for me, refer to a tranference of power, through which God, as I understand Him, enters my life. Through prayer and meditation, I open channels, then I establish and improve my conscious contact with God. Through action I then receive the power I need to maintain my sobriety each day. By maintaining my spiritual condition, by giving away what was so freely given to me, I am granted a daily reprieve.

I'm not sure if I want to share this now, but just last week I was faced with the dilemma of giving it away freely for myself and the new(er)comers versus resentments over the not-so-newcomers not being there for me. I know that I have absolutely no control over what other people do in their lives and it brought up some feelings when I attended my home group where only three members (myself included) showed up to run the meeting. There were two new comers there, and I know that it only takes two of us to run a meeting. My only problem was that the person who was schedualed to chair the meeting- and find the speaker- did not show up! It turned out ok though, as the Maven and I ran the meeting and made it an open discussion, which is all good. I was left with wondering though, what would happen if nobody showed up? Where would the still suffering alcoholics go to get what we got, so freely given? I know for me, when I recite the responsibility pledge, I take it seriously :

When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that, I am responsible.

So now I'll go to what I am grateful for today...

that the hand of AA was there for me when I reached out for help
that I am 46 and clean and sober
it only takes two alcoholics to share their experience strength and hope, for it to be a meeting
me and AAngel were invited out to dinner last night, with friends. Food always tastes better when eaten with love and laughter
my new squirrel to put in my garden
for all of you who share your experience, strength and hope with me and others...

KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS!

I'M NOT GETTING OLDER or I WON'T GROW UP!

2007-08-22T11:48:00.000-04:00

My belly button birthday is coming up. Yesterday AAngel and I went to my mom's/ sister's place to celebrate my nieces' birthday, and mine too. I told my mom I really didn't want any fuss made over me, so we had a great BBQ dinner, and a cake made for little niece, and me. The visit was really cool. My mom lives with my sister and her family in a huge house in the country (sort of). Every time we go to visit there have been more improvements made, this time being the addition of a pool, it is an above ground pool to which they are adding a deck. The pool is lovely, big and oval shaped, and it is only five feet deep, so it is perfect for swimming in. The three gurls (AAngel, little niece and big niece, swam for about an hour, it was lots of fun watching them play together. After dinner and cake, gifts were brought out for little niece who just turned 4 and for AAngel (belated 16th from my sis), but nothing for me! Big baby that I am, I was hurt that I didn't receive any gifties or even a card from my mom!... maybe she'll mail me a birthday card...

So to help me to focus on what is important today, here is today's Daily Reflection...

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependance upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 116

All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real "people addict" ; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received.

I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work AA's Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.

Yeah, OK, I get it sheeesh!!! It never ceases to amaze me how these readings, more times than not, address issues that I just happen to be dealing with at the time! Coincidence?- say it with me now- WE THINK NOT! Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

to be able to experience the joy (?) of another birthday
to have spent time with my loved ones
that I am happy for the life my mom and sister share
I can choose to stay stuck in the 'poor-mes', or not
tonight I get to go to my after care group, and an AA meeting
AAngel and I are truly blessed with love for each other
we have everything we need today, and then some
after numerous attempts this AM, I was finally able to access my bloggy!
all of you who share my experiences, fears and other craziness, and keep coming back
my fears are not nearly as bad as they used to be
turning 46 is not so bad after all!

I'll be stalking to y'all soon...

DOING THE RIGHT THING

2007-08-19T11:16:00.000-04:00

Happy Sunday to one and all. What better way to start our day than to read today's Daily Reflection...

Referring to our list {inventory} again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67

There is a wonderful freedom in not needing constant approval from colleagues at work or from the people I love. I wish I had known about this Step before, because once I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action for the situation and that it was the correct thing to do.

Today I realize how I have come to not only know the right thing to do in most situations, but it actually feels better to actually do it! Flash back to about this time last year... my next door neighbor, to whom I had become quite close, was moving. It was bittersweet for me in that for about three years we were pretty good friends. I had also used her as an excuse to relapse, in that she was a social drinker, you know, one of those people who could go out for an evening and at the end of the night still have half a drink left over! The worst part for me was knowing of the eleventh commandment, which I was sure said "Thou shalt not waste alcohol!" But I digress.

The thing is, over the years we had shared lots of stuff , including my garden, do any of you know how psycho I am for my garden? LOL The thing is, I had once again become clean and sober, and my friend who near the end had become quite judgemental about this 'cokehead' as she would refer to me. Our frienship had ended about the time I came back to recovery. So in my righteous indignation about her shunning of me, after all the things I had done for her, including sharing my precious garden, I decided to 'take back my life', in the form of some of the many plants I had given her! Can you see where this is going? No? Well let me tell you!

This woman absolutely ignored me, and it hurt, but it was easier for me to get angry than to cry over losing a friend. So one day, I had decided to take back my garden, one plant at a time. I waited for a day when I was sure that neighbor gurl was not home, I was out watering my garden and I was getting angrier and angrier that she had some Asians that I had shared with her, mine never bloomed, but hers did in all their Asian glory! So I went to her yard and plucked one up, root and all, quite pleased that I would get my little flower back, and just when I was re-entering my yard, she saw me! CRAP- busted!!! And to make matters worse, because I didn't think she was home, when she screamed "Just what the HELL do you think YOU are doing?", I nearly jumped out of my skin!!!

Long story shorter...I knew at the time, that what I was doing was wrong. I had shared my garden out of love, it really did make me happy to give her some of what I had. But my hurt feelings and resentment at her grew when I found she was moving, without crying to say goodbye to me, and my anger caused me to retaliate. I think of this gurl often, wonder how she is doing, and try to remember the fun we once had. I know that I definately owe her an apology, for my behaviour. I am reminded of a saying that one of AAngels' grade school teachers had : "It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong!" Hope you all have a wonderful day!

JUST LOOKIN'

2007-08-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

TodAAy I am just lookin' to see everything I can, if you want to see more, go here ...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/ , care to join me "seeing" what our HP wants for us todAAy? Here is our Daily Reflection reading...

Some of us, though tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.

Twelve Steps and Twelve and Twelve Traditions pg.79

This step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper and the friends that I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable when I feel clean and light.

I can't even count the number of times I said that the only person I was hurting was me. In typical self centered form, I truly believed my own lies, it was easier at the time to hang onto resentments that allowed me to basically say "F*** them all anyways, my anger being the excuse to drink, and my justification for thinking that I wasn't hurting anyone! In the reading it mentions hurting our parents, and today I know I did that. I remember one time in particular after I had been in a head on collision with a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one way street. Thankfully, I had drank only one drink that night. Thankfully I sustained only an open head concussion that needed only eleven stitches. Unfortunately, my practically brand new Mustang was written off, with a year and a half of payments left on it. Upon leaving the hospital I had to stay with my parents because of the concussion. My mom cried when I got there saying "You could have been killed". My dad said I shouldn't have been driving that night due to the freezing rain. And all I could think of was poor me, I had lost my car! Insanity- yup! Did I drink and drive after that? You bet I did!

Today I am thankful/grateful for the following...

to wake up clean and sober and have the choice to remain so
I don't intentially hurt anyone
if I do hurt some one, I can immediately make amends
the love of my family and friends is something I cherish today
to have everything I need today, and enough to share too
the antics of my baby kitten as he explores and learns and grows
every single day AAngel and I hug multiple times, and say we love each other
I am not afraid to face my CAS worker when he shows up at our home for a visit (soon)
I am a part of a very supportive and loving community of AA here, and in my 'real' life
for you and you and your moms and dads who made you!

See ya soon...

WALKING DOWN A DIFFERENT STREET

2007-08-14T15:22:00.000-04:00

Have you seen this? I don't remember where I found it, but it so describes my life as an active alcoholic, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the insanity too. I thought it was appropriate to post it today because I am working on Step Two with my sponsor "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Autobiography in five chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
it is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the follwing...

to be clean and sober
to not have as much insanity in my life
the patience I have in dealing with a devilteen
laughter
I have everything I need today, and then some
my two cats, my kitten and my budgie
I am able to read (my 12 X 12)
my garden is still blooming
having my AAngel/devilteen home
my HP loves me no matter what
my HP forgives my mistakes
for each of you who choose to stalk to me...

Ready or not, here I come to stalk to you!

...and before I forget, please help me support and welcome a new friend Krista, she is an amazing young woman who has 4 days sober today, visit her here http://krista-wine-o.blogspot.com/

3 WORDS

2007-08-12T18:29:00.000-04:00

dAAve stole this from Pam who did this meme a couple of days ago ; I stole it from dAAve because he stole it from Pam before I got a chance to! I liked their answers and thought I'd give it a try too.

3 word survey: You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less.

1. Where is your cell phone? in my purse
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? in my dreams
3. Your hair? way too long
4. Where is your father? with God, maybe
5. Cheesecake? yes please, cherry!
6. Your favorite thing to do? anything in garden
7. Your dream last night? not in colour
8. Your favorite drink? coffee or water
9. Car You Want? classic Mustang convertible
10. The room you're in? the living room
11. George Bush?: not so bright
12. Your fears?: yup, have lots!
13. Nipple rings?: nope, nose though
14. Who will/did you hang out with tonight?: cats, budgie, AAngel
15. Go check GoofyAuctions.com and give your opinion?: um, yeah ,OK!
16. One of your wish list items?: my own home
17. Where did you grow up?: me, grow up???
18. The last thing you did?: cleaned my house
19. What are you wearing?: I'll never tell!
20. Tagging ?: whoever wants to...

I know I've been very lazy lately, not posting or visiting much, I just haven't been very energetic lately! Just know that I am still here, still sober, and still lovin' all of YOU...

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

2007-08-09T11:25:00.000-04:00

It's the crack of noon, and what do I see? A teenager sleeping so peacefully....

To SEE more hAAlf nAAked fun, go here...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yes, there is my AAngel sleeping soundly, do ya think she feels safe as she dreams away? When she was little, after I would tuck her in and read a story, AAngel would say "mommy, watch me sleep!" The thing is, I would sit and watch and after a while, get up to leave, at which point those big blue peepers would pop open again and say "watch me sleep" to which I would reply " I can't watch you sleep if you're not sleeping!" To tell the truth though, there are not too many things more beautiful that the image of a sleeping child (at least we know they're safe, not getting into trouble, and best of all, not talking back! LOL).

Last night at my relapse prevention group, someone asked the question- If you quit drinking (or using) on your own, and say quit for 9 months or so, and then drink again, is this a relapse? Well this question evoked many opinions and opened up a pandora's box. The thing is, if one has quit on their own, which many of us do in order to prove that we do have control , eventually we will drink again, right? And if we have quit on our own, this would imply that we have not had a program of recovery, so maybe the ultimate drinking would just be a continuation of our addiction which has not been active for a time? We all know that just stopping does not mean we are in recovery, hell, who among us has not attempted to remain sober for a day, a week, a year, whatever. And do we not recognize many who have actually quit, but have not made any other changes in their lives, save putting the top on the bottle, are they IN recovery or simply 'dry'?

I think a part of what bothers me the most is that for this person, he says he has quit using his DOC on his own and doesn't feel that he needs AA or NA or any other program- he just stopped using. Great. But I know , for me, I do need the support and love and guideline to living that AA promotes. I know for me, I have quit a time or two before, with the help of AA, and after a time, have thought I was cured or fixed and stopped going to meetings, and eventually drank again. I understand that there may be people out there who are addicted and are able to maintain abstinance for many years or forever without a program, I also know that this does not include me! Furthermore, when the gifts offered in AA are free, save for the Twelfth Step, which is actually a gift in itself, why would anyone WANT to try to do this on their own... I just don't get it!

Maybe todays 24 Hours a Day reading will help me out here...

"We have an allergy to alcohol. The action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol again in any form at all. We cannot be reconciled to a life without alcohol, unless we can experience an entire psychic change. Once this psychic change has occurred, we who seem doomed, we who had so many problems that we despaired over ever solving them, find ourselves able to control our desire for alcohol". Have I had a psychic change?

Ask God in daily prayer to give you the strength to change. When you ask God to change you, you must at the same time fully trust Him. If you do not fully trust Him, God may answer your prayer as a rescuer does that of a drowning person who is putting up too much of a struggle. The rescuer must first render the person still more helpless, until he or she is wholly at the rescuer's mercy. Just so must we be wholly at God's mercy before we can be rescued.

I pray that I may be daily willing to be changed. I pray that I may put myself wholly at the mercy of God.

So, unless you have other plans, I wish each of you a great day!

...HERE I AM !!!

2007-08-07T12:32:00.000-04:00

I know I've been a bad blogger lately, and I'm gonna dedicate this post to Mary Christine who asked where I was ! I actually have been close to my computer on several occasions, but it seems that 'face booking' and MSN-ing are way more important to some teenagers than letting the mommy blog! Oh, and then there was the little deal with the flu that I had, I woke up on Saturday with a sore throat and swollen glands and just generally feeling like I'd been run over by a big truck... Fear not though friends, I have discovered that if I get up before the crack of noon, I get the compy all to self! So, as per my usual agenda, I offer to you todays Daily Reflection's reading, enjoy...

We in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning (wo)men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 28

I try each day to raise my heart and hands in thanks to God for showing me a "design for living" that really works through our beautiful Fellowship. But what exactly, is this "design for living" that "really works"? For me, it is the practice of the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, the continued awareness of a God who loves me unconditionally, and the hope that, in each new day, there is a purpose for my being. I am truly, truly blessed in the Fellowship.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

to know that God loves me unconditionally
for baby cats and adult cats and a teenager that seem to love me unconditionally
to feel healthy today
AAngel has a job interview this afternoon
I have everything I need, and then some
to wake up knowing I can stay clean and sober for just one day
Big Brother 8 is on tonight..I love it!
for blogging and AA and all the wonderful people I've met
all of YOU !!!!

HAPPINESS IS A WARM KITTEN

2007-07-31T10:25:00.000-04:00

Todays raeding from 24 Hours a Day is a continuance from Sunday, yes I missed Monday, but I am striving for progress, not perfection!!!

That leaves only one day- today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives us mad. It is the remorse or bitterness for something that happened yesterday or the dread of what tomorrow might bring. Let us therefore do our best to live but one day at a time.

Am I living one day at a time?

I met with my sponsor on Sunday afternoon, and she thinks that I need to be working on a 4th step. I agree with her 100%, in theory. I think doing a 4th step is an excellent way to put things in proper perspective- for you. I have done several 4th and 5th steps before, and I know the results of sharing in the 5th is a new freedom and a relief to find that I am not all bad after all. And yet.... I love my new sponsor, about a week ago she suggested that I call her everyday, and I made the committment to me to do just that. What happened was, I didn't even call her once. So on Sunday she called me and asked me how she could sponsor me if I didn't call. For a moment I was filled with panic that she was going to fire me. But she didn't. I thought that maybe she was angry and might even yell at me, but she didn't do that either. I told her very sincerely that I thought I was afraid of her (all 4ft 10) because she seemed to accept me and like me and she didn't show anger and yell and, and , and... Then, the nerve of her, she said that if I want to stay sober, I need to change- my behaviours, my thoughts, my actions! Aw crap, she called me on my sh*t, no more really good excuses are gonna work with this woman, I'm gonna hafta change!

Last night I went to a meeting that I attended on a regular basis last summer, at my sponsors' suggestion. Am I ever glad I went. There was a twenty three, a fifteen, and a one year anniversary. The speaker was a relative new comer like me, but his message was powerful and honest, and he spoke alot about change. For me it was an eye opener in that this used to be a regular stop in my week, and I remembered attending the anniversary of two of the people this time last year. The third person I remember just coming to the program, he was so shaky and unsure and now? He is grateful and sober still, and even happy, I can see how much he has changed, what a miracle this program is!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

to be able to see the changes in other people
that I was lucky enough to witness the miracle of so many sober years
that my sponsor will not let me stay the same
none of my bones are broken
I have my sight
I am able to hear (when I choose to listen)
both AAngel and I survived to see her turn 16
yesterday AAngel and I became new mommies- to a kitten, his name is Cinnamon
I woke up clean and sober today
today is the last day that I will have to wake up alone because AAngel comes back home tomorrow
for all of YOU- your support, your love, your comments
today I believe there is a power greater than me!

Have the best day possible today!

IT'S HER PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO...

2007-07-29T14:25:00.000-04:00

Well my AAngel is now sixteen. We actually had a very good day on her birthday, our dinner with my mon and my aunt was lovely. AAngel had received quite a bit of money for her birthday and we even had time for a little shopping too! It was fun and once again I was reminded of how different she and I really are. I like most of the clothes she wears and buys, she likes very few of the clothes that I suggest to her and I no longer attempt to buy clothes for her. She has self confidence in her appearance, no body image problems and doesn't care so much what other people think about her, I have major issues with body image, am very self-conscience, and even if I won a beauty contest *LOL* I would believe the people who voted against me!

We had decided to invite a few of her friends over on Saturday afternoon. I told AAngel that it wouldn't really be a party, but she could have some friends over for fajitas and birthday cake. I had bought enough food to feed about 8 to 10 people. I had baked a three layer Devil's food cake. We bought two big bottles of pop and I had asked some neighbors to blow up 16 balloons to decorate the yard with....and nobody showed up! Not one person. So I had to comfort AAngel. as she was obviously hurt and disappointed. But then I had to deal with my own feelings around seeing my daughter hurting and doing all of the work and planning and having no one show up or even call to say they wouldn't be coming. Sometimes life just sucks!

Today I am choosing to have a better day. I sat out in the sun in my garden for an hour. I read my meditation books, and I spoke to my sponsor on the phone. I chose to post about my feelings instead of keeping them all to self where they could fester and grow into anger and resentments. I will meet with my sponsor later today and allow her to give me some unconditional loving. I think that at almost 14 months of sobriety I need to be ever vigilant of my disease and how it still wants for me to stay sick instead of continuing to grow and change and stay well. Here is a reading from 24 Hours a Day...

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from from fear and apprehension. One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone beyond recall. Do I still worry about yesterday?

Prayer for the day

I pray that I may face every situation without fear. I pray that nothing will prove too hard for me to bear.

...and I also pray for the same for all of you today.

hAAppy hAAlf nAAked birthdAAy!

2007-07-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

Today my AAngel is sweet 16, the tee-shirt was given to her by the gurls in the group home, they all signed it, so it will be a great keepsake of her friends! The third picture is of AAngel taking time to smell the flowers. This particular asian lily had its' very first bloom today, ever neat huh?

To see some more hAAlf nAAked fun, visit my friends here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I'll be by to stalk to you guys later, we are going shopping and then out for dinner with my mom and one of her sisters who is visiting from Nova Scotia!

MY BABY IS GROWING UP

2007-07-24T11:00:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe that this week my little AAngel will be sixteen! I honestly don't know where the time has gone! I often look at pictures of her when she was a baby, and really, she pretty much looks the same, only bigger. I so loved being pregnant, and I was sober at the time, so I remember very well all of the changes going on within my body. For me it was a feeling of true joy and wonder, to actually know that there was a life growing inside me. I remember the first ultra sound, and seeing the little heartbeat, and crying tears of joy and gratitude that for whatever reason God had chosen me to be the mother of this little miracle. It really was a spiritual journey. Even now, when I see a pregnant woman , I feel overcome by the emotions. I also think often of how AAngel looked when she was born, clearly this child had been on this earth before! She came out looking perfect (due to a c-sec), but it was more than that. She had the look on her face as if she recognized stuff, a knowing and very wise look. You know how some babies come out screaming with their hair standing up on end, angry to see the lights and hear the sounds of life? It's like they're saying "I wanna go back in, I don't like it here!". There was none of that with AAngel, her perfect little face surveyed her new surroundings, and her cry was low but demanding, like she just knew everything would be OK, and all of her desires would be met. Without any reservations or hesitation, I can honestly say that the day she was born is, and forever will be, the very best day of my entire life. So this post is dedicated to my beautiful AAngel...

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, on this day sixteen years ago, my AAngel was preparing to be born- yes, I was in labour for 30 hours before she finally decided to make her appearance!...

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 20

Self-centeredness was my problem. All my life people had been doing things for me and I not only expected it, but I was ungrateful and resentful they didn't do more. Why should I help others, when they were supposed to help me? If others had troubles, didn't they deserve them? I was filled with self-pity, anger and resentment. Then I learned that by helping others, with no thought of return, I could overcome this obsession with selfishness, and if I understood humility, I would know peace and serenity. No longer do I need to drink.

Today I am eternally grateful and thankful for the following...

that AAngel chose me to be her mother
to be able to embrace motherhood, even with all of the trials and tribulations
that being a mom has taught me so much about my mother
that being a mom has taught me so much about me
that all in all, I truly love the person that my daughter is becoming
I am sober and fully present in my daughter's life today
God has given me everything I need today, and then some
for the opportunity to help my AAngel be the best she can be at whatever she chooses
for each one of you
today is our friend MC's 23rd AA birthday- drop by and give her some lovin' huh!

HNT, or HO HUM, IT FEELS LIKE HURRICANE WEATHER...

2007-07-19T15:06:00.000-04:00

Well a Happy hAAlf nAAked ThursdAAy to all of you, and a very special Happy Belly Button Day to our friend Scout.... Happy Birthday gurl friend I love ya lots!!! Today's HNT pics are to help me decide where to get my tattoo of Eeyore. As some of you may know, I am his biggest fan, I can relate to his waiting for the next bad thing to happen, his wonderful melacholy and the way he constantly loses his tail! If you want to witness some more outrageous hAAlf nAAked fun click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I have had a busy couple of days, AAngel and I went to court this morning for what we thought would be a final court appearance. Since all parties were consenting to the terms, AAngel could have come home to stay today. My lawyer was not there, neither was AAngels' lawyer, but the Judge was prepared to rule anyways. As much as she wants to come home, and I want for AAngel to come home, neither one of us was prepared for this to happen today! She has over two years worth of stuff at the group home. Also, in these last two years AAngel has come to know and love many of the homes' staff. Obviously it will be a bitter-sweet move for her to come back home. so many emotions to deal with, goodbyes to be said, thanks to be given... We asked the Judge to not rule on her homecoming until August 1st, so officially, that will be the day that my baby comes home for good. I am very happy to know that soon we will be a family in the same home again. Today I am choosing to let go of the fears I have about being a family in the same home again. I have to have faith that God will take care of us and guide us to be loving and respectful and kind and supportive of each other.

Here is a meditation and prayer for today from 24 Hours a Day...

To God, a miracle of change in a person's life is only a natural happening. But it is a natural happening operated by spiritual forces. There is no miracle in personalities too marvelous to be an everyday happening. But miracles happen only to those who are fully guidedand strengthened by God. Marvelous changes in people's natures happen so simply, and yet they are free from all other agencies than the grace of God. But these miracles have been prepared for by days and months of longingfor something better. They are always accompanied by a real desire to conquer self and to surrender one's life to God.

I pray that I may expect miracles in the lives of people. I pray that I may be used to help people change.

Before I go off to visit you all at HNT, please take time to sign my guestbook, look it over, steal it for yourself...after all I stole the idea from Granny!!! Oh and thanx to all who have signed up already, much appreciated!

FRIENDS, LOVERS, FELLOW AA'ERS...

2007-07-17T10:26:00.001-04:00

Good Morning everyone! I shamelessly stole this guestbook from my friend Granny. At last count, she had over 60 guests sign hers... Gee, I wonder how my little guestbook will do? I wonder how many people love me? I wonder if I should be such a love tramp today? Hell yeah!!!
On to more serious matters now! Here is our Daily Reflection...

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependancy and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.

The Language of the Heart pg. 238

Years of dependancy on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependancy, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

Boy, am I ever glad I posted the Daily Reflection after I begged for some lovin' in my guestbook!!! Ironically, when I was typing it out, not once, but twice I typed "healthy" instead of "unhealthy" LOL So I guess I'll find out exactly how healthy I am, if no one chooses to indulge my insecurities by signing up their love for life in my humble little book!!! Have a great day YO!

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

2007-07-16T11:05:00.000-04:00

OK, stop the darned whining already! Some of you have asked for more picture from my garden and lucky for you, I feel charitable today! So, if you'd like, follow me on a mini-tour... The first pic is a shot from the back of my yard, if you are looking at the garden slide show I have, this would be "in the corner". The second picture would be "around the corner". A little farther down are some of my phlox, through the years I have cut and shared many of my plants, but not my phlox. They are my absolute favorites and smell very much like lilacs. Next are a couple of pictures of some brand new asian lilies that have just bloomed. I planted them last fall so I was really excited when they bloomed this year. Once again I give you some more yellow asians with red centers, and last but not least, some giant yellow speckled asians! I hope that has fulfilled your garden fix for now, but I will post more as they become available!

I spent Sunday at the Mavens' house again, where I got to finish garden #1 and then I planted garden #2, which, by the way, seems to be everybody's favorite so far! I am hoping that she will get some time this week to post some pictures, as I am quite proud of the work I've done so far.

I haven't posted Daily Reflections for a bit, so here it is...

In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price has purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.75

It was painful to give up trying to control my life even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape. Accepting life on life's terms, will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With my life in God's care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of my life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through those times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.

I hope this Monday brings beauty, serenity and peace to you all, in preparation for a great week to come...

hAAlf nAAked Thursday

2007-07-12T23:30:00.000-04:00

Today I got to go play at the Maven's house and plant a garden for her. I got to bring home this rock for my garden, Oh, and some blackberries too! For more or less hAAlf nAAked fun, click here...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I had the best day ever today, as I'm sure you can tell by the photo! AAngel and I went to our friend's house for the afternoon. It actually turned out to be very convenient for all parties involved. First I must tell you a little about our friend, her name is Maven. I met this amazing young woman at about this time last year, when I was first returning to AA. The first meeting I had gone to was my Friday night meeting, which is now my home group, and Maven was the speaker. She had a powerful story to tell, and I found I could identify on many levels. I could hardly believe that she was not yet 30 but had 15 years clean and sober. We became friends quite quickly. Something neat about her is that she is exactly 15 years younger than I am, and 15 years older than AAngel, so she gets along well with both of us, and we love her a lot. Maven has a busy life. She has three children, two cats, a dog, oh yeah, and a husband! She also has many friends and makes time to see all of us...

Anyway my primary purpose today was to help her get some gardening done as Maven and her husband just moved to a new home with a huge yard (about 1/4 acre). There were two huge bags of soil waiting for me and maybe 6 or 8 perrenial plants to get me started, and the best part? I got to decide where to plant stuff! AAngel was kept busy playing with the three boys, they are 10 and 4 years and a 9 month old. The Maven got to paint some drawers for her kitchen. We were all in heaven, doing what we loved to do, but I was the luckiest of all! I plan to go back tomorrow, to do some more yard work and gardening, woohoo! And in the fall, when I tidy up my garden for the winter, I will be able to bring my friend even more flowers for her yard! If you want to see how my garden is growing, scroll down to the bottom, and click on view!

Today I am so thankful for the following...

to have spent the day with my friend and my daughter, alone but together
I now have a whole new yard to plant gardens in, the possibilities are endless
it was a beautiful sunny, but not too hot day
my muscles are sore from my hard work and it feels good
I think I'll have another good day tomorrow, and my home group is tomorrow night
my AAngel left today and is going to Wonderland with her group home tomorrow
I will have Saturday all to self
I will get to collect more rocks for my garden tomorrow, just like I did today
hAAlf nAAked Thursday is always fun
to have so much in my life to be grateful for, and that includes all of you!

I AM YOUR DISEASE

2007-07-11T15:26:00.000-04:00

I am inspired to post today by my friend Clarity Case. If you have a moment drop by and give her a hello, she is struggling today http://claritycase.blogspot.com/

I hate meetings, I hate a higher power, I hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish death and suffering. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the disease alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions, and I'm pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I'm your friend and lover. I have given comfort, have I not? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die didn't you call me? I love to make you hurt. I make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry. You can't feel anything at all. I will give you instant gratification, and all I ask of you is long term suffering. I've been there for you always, when things things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you don't deserve these good things in life. People don't take me seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help these things would not be possible. I'm such a hated disease , and yet I don't come uninvited. so many have chosen me over reality and peace. More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program, your meetings, your Higher Power-all weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I am here......And until we meet again, if we ever meet again, I wish you death and suffering. You got me before, but not anymore, so I'll make this rhyme, one day at a time.

I had received this letter in an e-mail and saved it because it really spoke to me. I felt as if I was really hearing alcohol and drugs voicing the words I had only thought of before. When I'm having crappy days, full of self-loathing and feeling discontented, my counsellor tells me it is my inner addict trying to get back into my life. My inner addict does not want me to succeed in life, 'cause then it has no control over me. When I stay clean and sober my disease loses its' foothold. When I go to meetings and share my experience, strength and hope with others, my disease, and your disease grow weaker. So I hope you all remain clean and sober today, all of us together have a stronger army than our disease ever could dream of having.

Today I am very grateful for the following...

another day of clean and sober living
to be getting along well with AAngel
we are going to visit a friend tomorrow, and I will get to play in her garden
to have everything I need, and some to share too
that I am beginning to know how to handle situations which used to baffle me
for all of the love I feel when I visit your bloggy's
for being able to accept me today- just the way I am
my two kitties and my budgie bird, who keep me company when AAngel is not here
that I am able to grow a garden, and share it with others
YOU and you and YoU too!!!

THE SUN IS ALMOST OUT AGAIN

2007-07-09T13:12:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! I am working on getting back into an old routine that was doing well for me. So here is our Daily Reflection reading...

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 70

The subject of humility is a difficult one. Humility is not thinking less of myself than I ought to; it is acknowledging that I do certain things well, it is accepting a compliment graciously. God can only do for me what He can do through me. Humility is the result of knowing that God is the doer, not me. In the light of this awareness, how can I take pride in my accomplishments? I am an instrument and any work I seem to be doing is being done by God through me. I ask God on a daily basis to remove my shortcomings, in order that I may more freely go about my AA business of "love and service".

Humility has always been a tough one for me to digest in that, I was never very good at accepting that there were any good things about me. After years of therapy and many light bulb moments in AA though, I realize that, as I am one of Gods' children, there is much about me that is good. I have talents and qualities that make me, well, me! I also have many defects of character which ..."stand in the way of my usefulness...". So on that note, I will also give you the Seventh Step Prayer, for any of you, who, like me, have a defect or two that they'd like to get rid of!

I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen

And here are just some of the things I have to be grateful for todAAy.

to be alive
to wake up clean and sober today
I got to speak to my mommy on the phone today- she still loves me!
I got to speak to my daughter on the phone today- she still loves me too!
God has watered my garden for me all weekend
more new blooms in my garden
that you guys humour me in my garden obsession
my obsession to drink and use has been lifted for today
gardening obsessions are not fatal!
I have everything I need today, and then some
my AAngel really apologized to me today, like from the heart and everything...yes I accepted
AAngel is coming today until Thursday night
all of my blog-stalkers....uh huh, that IS you!

HAVING A WEEK!

2007-07-06T23:29:00.001-04:00

Gee, I've been having quite a week! I have hardly posted, I haven't stalked to hardly any one in blogville, and I haven't been to a meeting or called my sponsor...hmmm, I wonder if there is a connection there? LOL After not speaking with AAngel since she left here, I finally called her today. All week I have been hearing her parting words to me in my head, like a record with a nasty scratch on it..."Shut the F*** up, Bitch". Yup, that's what she said! So why didn't I get off my ass and turn the record off, or call someone for a reality check, or get my big butt to a meeting to share about all of the feelings that this last fight has brought up in me? I dunno, I'm still trying to sort that out. I do know that when I called her today, AAngel didn't even bother to apologize. She said I wouldn't have accepted it anyways. And she is partly right. Of all of the hurtful things I have said and done to her, I have not called her a bitch or treated her with the kind of disrespect that I have had to deal with lately.

I get that she's a teenager, but isn't respect something that I deserve? She says that the times are different now (meaning that I am reeeeeaaally old) and that kids just don't respect their parents the way they did in the 'old' days! I guess when I said I would never dream of speaking to my mom the way AAngel speaks to me, it was a mistake. But no matter how angry I ever was with my parents, I still wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful. And of course her words hurt, 'cause after all this is the child that I gave birth to. I've been barfed on, and changed poopy diapers and stayed up with her all night when she was sick. I've held her when she cried 'cause she had a fight with her best friend. I've made crafts for and with her. I have always kissed her good night and told her that I loved her. And WAAAAAH , poor me! OK. I think I'm done venting for now, but I may have to continue later LOL. AAngel did not come for a visit today as I suggested that if she still had a bad attitude I would prefer her not to come! I am off to my meeting tonight, check in with all later!

...Well, I'm back, did ya miss me? Sorry ;bout that, just thought I'd mess with ya a little bit, after all you are still here reading this and I, on the other hand have gone to a meeting, visited with a friend and now am back at home! I hafta admit I do feel much better now that I've had an AA fix. I got lots of hugs (which I really needed), and also some validation for all of the yucky feelings that I have been wallowing in this week. So back to the business of recovery1 Today I am grateful for the following...

to still be clean and sober after a kind of rough week
to have heard a man speak tonight who has meant so much to me this past year, actually the man who gave me my medallion at my b-day
my friend , the Maven, who took me to her place after the meeting, when I said I just wanted to come home and eat chocolate!
all of the opportunities I have been given to change ME esp. when I'm dealing with a devilteen!
I can be happy for the good things that happen to other people today
even though stuff still bothers me, now I have the tools to let things go, instead of letting them fester
to have everything I need today and then some
for all of the fresh veggies I have eaten this week
for chocolate- I still say it's better than sex!!
for each and every one of Y-O-U....love and HUGS to all

hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy...

2007-07-05T10:00:00.000-04:00

Seeing as it is hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy today, I am just gonna post pictures here for now!
Starting at the top are my hydrangea, then white and yellow asians, then yellow asians with brownish red centers and last but not least, the first of my phlox in bloom!

For more wild and crazy fun, and some skin too, click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

TO FEEL OR NOT TO FEEL....

2007-07-04T09:06:00.001-04:00

The following is from pages 90 &91 in the 12 X 12...

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle.

Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism, furious power-driven argument, sulking, and silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. We can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

And when I read this earlier today, I knew I was going to have to start thinking and dealing about anger. Not only my own anger, and I'm not saying it is never a problem, but I'm talking about AAngels' anger. No one, it seems is better at pushing my buttons than she is, however with much patience and practice, I am learning to not react with my mouth before I have given my brains a chance to weigh in on the situation. One of the tools I had learned in a parenting course, was to literally bite my tongue and count to ten before talking. Another tool was to just walk away and not to respond to outbursts from my child, so as not to escalate the situation. For the most part these things work well, and in most cases, when I do not engage or react, AAngel will calm down, and we can continue to have a good day.

Most of our visit went well this time, but it did not end on a good note. Often when AAngel does not get her own way, she will throw a fit, and that was the case just before she left this time. I stood my ground and didn't give in to her angry behaviour, and as per usual, she became even more angry, and went for the jugular. Knowing me the way she does, AAngel knows that resorting to insults and name calling really hurt me, so that is exactly what she did. Her parting words were angry and hurtful, and we haven't spoken since because she has gone camping with the group home. I have always told her I loved her before either one of us has gone anywhere, I've always said that just in case we never saw each other again, that the last memories would be of love and not bad feelings. this time, it was all I could do to restrain myself from throwing her and her stuff out the door, when the staff came to pick her up.

The anger that AAngel has needs to be resolved, but I am at a loss how to help her. She absolutely refuses to go to counselling, and although I am registered for another parenting course (specifically parenting teens) it does not start until September. I am afraid of these outbursts, and the thought of them occurring more frequently when she moves back home. My usual way in dealing with someone elses anger is to withdraw or to hurt myself, and neither one of these behaviours are going to be helpful when AAngel is here full time again. So for today I am sleeping and eating chocolate, oh, and talking about my feelings so that they will not take over everything. Wish me luck, and a prayer or two wouldn't hurt either! So see ya for now, and before I forget...

HAPPY 4th of JULY to all of my American friends!

THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!

2007-06-30T15:15:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA!

I am not sure where I found this quote, but think it is beautiful none the less..
" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but for the patience to win my freedom."
Shantideva

Today feels like just another day. Yesterday I was feeling very stressed, as is common for me at the beginnning of the month. I am on disability right now, because of my panic disorder and depression, although I am able to work part time, I have not yet found a job. So once a month when my cheque arrives, I feel rich, that is until I have paid my bills, and bought groceries and usually there is not much left over for the rest of the month. I think for the most part I deal pretty well with having very little money, and I try to always be grateful to have "everything I need, and then some". I guess part of what is stressing me out this month is that my AAngel is turning sweet (or not so sweet) 16 on July 26th. She is not a greedy child by nature, so she has not requested the moon and stars to be delivered to her, but, as a teenager, it is becoming more difficult to choose gifts that she will actually want or like. And I am not flush with funds either, so that makes it even more challenging for me... This year there will be no party, and she said she doesn't want one. There will be a cake and the two of us and maybe a gift or two, and I think we will be alone at my moms' trailor in the semi-wilderness. So that is the best I can do for today.

Tomorrow is Canada's Birthday,*** don't ask me how old we are, 'cause I don't know! But we will venture out to down town Ottawa, to grapple with the swarms of the drunk and disorderly and hopefully get to see the fireworks display! AAngel and I haven't done this together for many years. When I was still drinking, she usually would be with friends or her dad, and when I wasn't drinking, it was usually too overwhelming for me to be around all those people so we never went to see the fireworks. As I am trying to do things differently today, I will go and have fun, dammit!!! I am not going to worry about tomorrow, I am going to stay in today, and today we are going shopping together, and the having a nice dinner. I have no idea what the rest of the weekend holds in store, but more shall be revealed! To all you Americans I hope you have a safe , sober and Happy 4th of July. I will try to catch up with you all in the next few days...until then, keep coming back- 'cause I love you's all!!!!

***Apparently, Canada is turning 140... that information being supplied by one of my American friends!!! Thank you to Granny for cluing me in...

hAApy hAAlf nAAked thursdAAY to all!

2007-06-28T11:30:00.000-04:00

I grew this raspberry all by self...to see more hAAlf nAAked fun click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Here is a reading from As Bill Sees it, chose by randomly opening the book, to see if He has a message for me...

We do not relate intimate experiences of another member unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may critisize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but critisism or ridicule aimed at someone else often produces the contrary effect.

A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way. More experienced people, of course, in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and critisism. pg 151

After I moved away from my parents home when I was 17, I would still go home for Sunday dinner. I enjoyed the chance to spend time with my family, and my moms' great cooking. One thing I did not enjoy though, was that more often than not, my dad, my brother-in-law and my sister would pick on me. I think, at the time, it was not meant to hurt, but invariably, I did feel hurt. The joking around would often take on a slightly cruel theme. They were merciless, and although it may have been tongue-in-cheek humour, it taught me a lesson about 'taking someone elses inventory'. Today, when I hear someone share at meetings, I get annoyed when I hear them talk in "you's". In treatment, I was taught to speak in "I" statements, and I find this is a much better practice for discussing my story, my feelings or my actions.

Today I am grateful for the following...

to have another day clean and sober
the predicted thunder storms missed us last night
I have managed to grow a few (edible) raspberries in my garden
new Asian lilies have bloomed today- white with yellow centers
my Tiger lilies have begun to bloom
AAngel is here for another five days
everyday I have the opportunity to learn more about me
everyday I have the opportunity to learn more about you
for all the things we have in common
for each and every recovery peep...that means YOU!

...and if ya enjoyed the first raspberry, here's another one!

NOT MUCH NEW

2007-06-26T12:54:00.000-04:00

Here are a couple more garden pics, the first is a new delphiniu ms and the second, my garden angel surrounded by ground cover, wait until you see it bloom, the ground cover I mean...

...And if you can believe this, I have not much to say today! So I will share todays Daily Reflection reading with you...

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colourful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.151

The longer I chased these elusive feelings with alcohol, the more out of reach they were. However, by applying this passage to my sobriety, I found that it described the magnificent new life made available to me by the AA program. "It" truly does "get better" one day at a time. The warmth, the love and the joy so simply expressed in those words grow in breath and depth each time I read it. Sobriety is a gift that grows with time.

So, reading the first part of the above, it didn't take me long to see that I was never normal in my drinking days! Today, I call those who can drink 'normally' earthlings (see Lushisms!). Sometimes I was 'convivial' when drinking, but mostly I drank alone for a number of reasons-

1) I never knew when I would blackout, making a fool of myself

2) I didn't want to have to share my booze with anyone

3) I often drank just to pass out, not a very social thing to do

4) I obsessed too much about the sad state of running out of booze, making me very cranky!

5) my life sucked, so why would I even consider being around others

Yup, it's true, I was not usually a very sociable person in my drinking days, and yes I lived under the illusion that maybe, if I drank enough, my pathetic life would take on new meaning. It just never seemed to happen though, and when I realized that all of my days were eerily resembling the one before, and the one before that etc., I decided to try AA once again. This, at last, has brought me to a place of peace. Not all of my days feel great, but even my worst day today is better than my best day drinking, cliche, I know, but true none the less! Here are just some of the things I am grateful for today...

to be clean and sober once again

to have days where I actually want to be around people

I had enough laundry soap left to finish my washing

to have everything I need, and then some

to have summer clothes that fit me- it's going to be about 100 farenheit today!

I actually invested in a fan this year!

for the two appoinments I have today, which will get me out of the house

for the friends I can visit today without leaving my house- that means YOU!

I'll be busy today, but I promise I'll be by to stalk to y'all soon....

HE CAN RESTORE ME TO SANITY

2007-06-24T02:25:00.000-04:00

These are pictures of AAngel and Toughguy, on a rare occasion when he allowed her to cuddle with him!

Technically it is Sunday morning, so I thought I'd start to post since I haven't since Wednesday! I just don't know where the week has gone! I have been busy, so I know that's part of it, but gee, I remember Monday like it was yesterday, and here it is almost Monday again! First thing this morning I was supposed to meet with my sponsor to discuss Step Two. I was looking forward to this, we are getting along quite well and she is very smart. I didn't make it to our meeting though 'cause it was at 9:30 and I slept in!

I've heard that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing and expecting different results". I can definately see how my disease caused much insanity in my life. When I chaired my home group on Friday, I shared how I probably was an alcoholic from the first time I drank in earnest. I was plagued by blackouts very early on. I found them to be terrifying, but then I also thought that blackouts just happened whenever people drank! I continued drinking for about 10 years before someone clued me in to the fact that no, not everyone had blackouts, but did I quit drinking? No of course not, because I kept hoping that I wouldn't have another blackout. After spending years sober and in the program, I relapsed, I remember thinking that maybe I would be able to drink normally, since I hadn't drank at all for so many years. I was wrong! So I returned to AA again, and a few years later embarked on another drinking expedition...different day, same results. Insanity, yup, I've been there!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading...
We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect.
As Bill Sees It pg. 95

When I came to AA, I was run down by the bottle and wanted to lose the obsession to drink, but I didn't really know how to do that. I decided to stick around long enough to find out from the ones who went before me. All of a sudden I was thinking about God! I was told to get a Higher Power and I had no idea what one looked like. I found out there are many Higher Powers. I was told to find God, as I understand Him, that there was no doctrine of the Godhead in AA. I found that Power to restore me to sanity. The obsession to drink was removed and- one day at a time- my life went on, and I learned how to live sober.

Once again I am struck with awe that this reading has to do with restoring me to sanity, isn't that what I am working on today? So, here is what I am gratefuil for today..

a loving God who sends me messages when I least expect them
a really good sleep after a very tiring week

my sponsor who forgave me for sleeping in this AM, we are meeting on Tuesday instead

for all of the delicious salads I have been eating this week

more blooms in my garden- pictures are coming!

I've been too tired/busy to blog-stalk y'all, but you're all still here!

I've not been too tired/busy to get to my meetings

my AAngel has been with me since Tuesday, and we are getting along very well

my AAngel gives the BEST hugs in the world, if or when I meet any of you for real, I can show you how she hugs!

to be more accepting of myself today

I am clean and sober today

YOU are clean and sober today.....Here I come, see you soon!

CAME, CAME TO, CAME TO BELIEVE...

2007-06-20T17:00:00.000-04:00

Just in case you were wondering, this week I am working on Step Two. My sponsor has asked me to read it everyday this week, making note of anything that comes up for me while doing so. As I was reading, I kept thinking of my post title, and how a friend in the program described Step Two. He said. first he just came to meetings, his mind still a little foggy from all the years of drinking and using, not much could get in, and what did manage to penetrate his brain cells was just as quickly forgotten. After several months of regular attendance, the fog started to lift, he called this "coming to", as one who has been in a coma of sorts. He started to realize all of the things in life he had been missing while inibriated, and not just the outside stuff, but the feelings that had gone unfelt for so long. Coming to indeed! A while later, he started to hear people share how they had not done this alone, it was by turning to a Power greater than themselves that alcoholics found the strength and courage to stay sober One Day at a Time. This has always stayed with me, through the years when I was out doing more research into the evils of my disease. And for me just knowing that He was out there waiting for me to come back home, made it somewhat easier this third, and last time around in recovery.

Last night I attended a medallion night at Rideauwood, the facility where I attended treatment and where I go for relapse prevention and counselling. You could feel the serenity in the room, the joy was palpable, and the gratitude expressed by all who shared and received medallions for completing one year in the program. The folks at Rideauwood truly saved my life, I have no doubt that , had they not taken me back, I would surely not be here posting today. Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, for those who want to read it...

The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever fear remains.
As Bill Sees It pg. 61

Most of my decisions were based on fear. Alcohol made life easier to face, but the time came when alcohol was no longer an alternative to fear. One of the greatest gifts in AA for me has been the courage to take action, which I can do with God's help. After five years of sobriety I had to deal with a heavy dose of fear. God put the people in my life to help me do that and, through my working the Twelve Steps, I am becoming the whole person I wish to be and for that, I am deeply grateful.

On that note I will say bye for now, I have not been stalking y'all like I used to, and a really good friend mentioned it to me last night. I don't know who had the presence of mind to teach me how to link to you guys, but now I have no excuses, like I lost your number! I have a lot of reading to catch up on! Love you ALL!

SERENE ON SUNDAY

2007-06-17T18:23:00.000-04:00

"Deep down within us"... We found the Great Reality. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found...search diligently within yourself.... With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 55

It was out of the depths of loneliness, depression and despair that I sought the help of AA. As I recovered and began to face the emptiness and ruin of my life, I began to open myself to the possibility of the healing that recovery offers through the AA program. By coming to meetings, staying sober , and taking the Steps, I had the opportunity to listen with increasing attentiveness in the depths of my soul. Daily I waited, in hope and gratitude, for that sure belief and steadfast love I had longed for in my life. I met my God, as I understand Him.

That is the Daily Reflection reading for today, and I am loving it. I find that it so accurately reflects alot of the emotions that I have been feeling the last week or so. Although I can honestly say that I was not in the depths of depression or despair, I well remember feeling that way not so very long ago. Last week I was feeling lonely though, and thanks to my meetings and my blogger friends, it did pass. All the hecticness passed too. The speaker I heard on Friday night had such a powerful message, and I felt my head going like a bobble-head doll as she spoke of all the terrible feelings that were in her life. She shared how the drinking at first would make the feelings go away, and then they'd come back even stronger, mixed with remorse and regret and guilt, and she would drink even more to erase them. The feelings of uselessness, and wanting to die and just not wanting to be....anymore.

I liked how she shared of her first AA meeting, and how she thought "these people actually know what I'm feeling". How true I find this to be. We may all look different on the outsides, we come from various financial backgrounds, we can be found all over the world, speaking hundreds of languages. But when a willing alcoholic open their heart to learn how to live again, they usually feel as if they have come home... at least thet is how it was for me. The speaker went on to tell how she learned to trust, and to love and to find a Power greater than herself. She spoke at length about all of the gifts the program gave her, and of all of the friends she has made. It was a message of hope, to hear about where she started and where she ended up. To know this beautiful, brave young woman today one has to have faith in this wonderful program.

Today I am grateful for the following...

to be clean and sober...and even happy
to have a great weekend of love and sharing with AAngel
the Maven and her strength to have 16 years sober
all of the flowers that God has helped me to grow
to know that I meet the requirements for AA membership
to be at peace today
to look forward to tomorrow
for my safe and loving home
to have spoken to my sponsor, who gave me 'homework' and I have no resentments!
for all of AA, all over the world
each and every single one of YOU...

Stalk to ya later y'all! Oh and before I forget...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

QUAARTER NAAKED THURSDAAY NIGHT!

2007-06-14T21:52:00.000-04:00

I had a new visiter to my blog today, and he sounds like an alcoholic in pain. He's new in recovery and is dealing with some painful stuff. I'm quite sure that all of us have enough love to help out a newcomer...why not drop by and welcome him to blogland... http://redcardinalofserenity.blogspot.com/

My sponsor gave me this butterfly charm for my birthday, in the card she wrote "The butterfly is the symbol of transformation, all that we become on our journey of sobriety. I wish you many colours!"

Well, I did it again, I missed hAAlf nAAked Thursday, I'm gonna hafta get my act together or I may be kicked out! The thing is, I've been feeling kinda stuck... I know that you guys know what this is like 'cause we are, after all, alcoholics. I was talking to a gurl that I was in treatment with and she sensed that I was not myself. She said what many others have shared, that I am experiencing post-year let down. Well, nobody told me THAT when I was getting up to receive my medallion!!! I know, nobody told me it was all gonna be cherries and cream, but come on...don't ya know I'm special??? OK, seriously now, 'cause I don't want you to hurt yourselves laughing at MY expense... I think maybe I need a good kick in the butt, and that's probably why I haven't been making phone calls or posting much. But don't tell anyone I said that, and if you do, I'll just deny it anyway. Oh crap, I forgot, I'm putting this out there for the world to see... I guess I'll bend over now LOL!

Better late than never, here is a reading from "As Bill Sees It", randomly opened to see if good old HP is paying attention to me today...

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity has returned. We can now react sanely and normally, and we find that this has happened almost automatically. We see that this new attitude toward liquor is really a gift of God.

That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky, nor are we afraid.

That is how we react-so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. pg. 121

Hahahaha... I had to laugh when I read about the sanity part, because I am not exactly feeling sane right now, but I know...this too shall pass! Today I am grateful for the following...

they say my sanity will be restored

to be clean and sober today

to be able to "feel" all of my feelings

nobody has kicked me outta AA...yet!

my friend the Maven is celebrating 16 years on Friday (I made the cake)

I do not have any cravings for alcohol or drugs today

my sense of humour has returned

my ability to love has returned

I know how to "let go and let God", I just need to practice it more

for all of you 'oldtimers' and 'newcomers' that keep coming back here!

So that's it for now, because I have some blog-stalking to catch up on...

I CHOSE TO LET CRABBY SLEEP TODAY!

2007-06-13T08:35:00.000-04:00

Well, it's kinda hard to have a pity party when the flowers are bloomin' like this! My Asian Lilies have started to bloom, I'd have to say they are my absolute favourites, I have about five different colours of Asians, and they all bloom at different times! Of course I say they are my favorites until the next flowers bloom, and then the new ones are my favorites... I am such an alcoholic Huh? One thing I know for sure is that no matter how icky I've been feeling, I didn't drink, and that is cause for celebration in my world, I'll pass on the cake though, I've been living on ice cream to help me through my misery!!! So back to the business of living clean and sober, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

Years of living with an alcoholic is sure to make any (husband) wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 122

It is important for me to realize that, as an alcoholic, I not only hurt myself, but also those around me. Making amends to my family, and to the families of alcoholics still suffering, will always be important. Understanding the havoc I created and trying to repair the destruction, will be a life long endeavor. The example of my sobriety may give others hope, and faith to help themselves.

Yes, I understand the insanity of living in an alcoholic home. And all of the times I waited for the next worse thing to happen, because I knew in my heart that it could always get worse... Today I pray to stay sober and to help my family and friends heal from the disease of alcoholism, that they were exposed to by my drinking. Today I am grateful for the following...

to wake up rich in sobriety- thanks Meg!
my new blooming garden
I haven't had to water the blooming garden, God has done that for me- thanks MC
to not have to remember how bad it was before I quit drinking- thanks Pammie
to know that as long as I don't drink, my life will just get better
to find that ice cream as a substitute, is still better than drinking
to not have to use ice cream as a substitute today!
I chose to not wake up crabby today- shhhhh- she's still sleeping!
for all the reminders of how good my life really is
I have everything I need and then some
ALL of you who still came to visit when I was so crabby!!
today will be a good day, because I will work on having it so
for all of YOU and you, and you too!

Have a great day y'all, unless you've made OTHER plans!!! MUAH -thanks Sober Chick!

NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN!

2007-06-11T21:54:00.000-04:00

I'm still tired and still a little crabby, that's why I haven't posted for a couple of days. I did talk to my therapist today, and she said it made perfect sense to her. Glad to know my misery has its' place! LOL! Apparently this is quite common to have post-party let down, you know like the big climb up the roller coaster and then the whole thing breaks down... She asked me what my plans were for the next year, and I replied just more of the same, staying sober One Day at a Time, more to uncover and discover about me, having my AAngel come back home, and of course that nasty little matter of the job search! And NO, in case you were wondering, I have not heard back from Walmart, I guess God has planned for me to wake up rich instead of just beautiful tomorrow. LOL!

The best I can do for today will have to be enough, and so today, I am grateful for the following...

I actually made it into my second year of sobriety
I have a counsellor who "gets" me
no news can be viewed as no bad news
it was a gorgeous, hot and sunny day today
by the end of the week I will have new blooms in my garden
there is still much I have to learn
there are things that I can teach others
to have a peaceful weekend with AAngel
not every day has to be chaotic and full
I have everything I need today and then some
my HP must have better plans for me than mine would have been
all of my friends and family in recovery... YES, that means YOU!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER ONE YEAR!

2007-06-09T11:37:00.000-04:00

Awww MAN...no more applause, no more gettin' up to collect another chip of pretty colours, no more cake...bittersweet, sad, and very freakin' thankful, now that my first celebration is done!!! I was having a day big time yesterday. Emotions were rolling like a coaster! I went from the poor mes to the "I don't care to celebrate today" to WOW, all these prizes, for ME? Looking back to other first medallion nights for me was an awakening of sorts. I have often said that this is my third and hopefully my last one year. I do know that I have never worked so hard to get any kind of self before, I just pray that I can remember to keep my program focused on TODAY for all of the days to come. Various people shared their views of me when I first came back, and I warned them all, if you can't say something nice... but for me the concensus seemed to be that I had changed! ME, different! Figure that one out! Was I EVER not in a good mood (don't hurt yourself ROFLAO) did I ever give the impression that I wasn't in this for ME? Am I getting a tattoo of Eeyore on my big old butt for my belly button day? Yes, yes and yes!!!

It really is a miracle when He can pluck the likes of me from the depths of depression and hopelessness and despair and plunk me serenely down in a new reality. It is for me a reality of enormous gratitude and noticing all of the good things in life. It is for me a reality filled with loving people, a sponsor who calls me almost everyday, and a child who said " My name is AAngel, I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic yet!". she shared how she has seen me relapse in the past, but that she believed this time was for real. She said she was proud of me and that she loved me (in public even!) She read the promises for us last night and I was so proud to share this celebration with her. After the meeting I gave her my second one year medallion to hold on to, I was 6 months pregnant with her at that time.

And so for today, here is the Daily Reflection, and once again, I'm sure my HP will have an appropriate message for all of us...

First we try living in the now just in order to stay sober- and it works. Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is an effective and satisfying way to handle many other matters as well.
Living Sober pg. 7

"One Day At A Time". To a newcomer this and other one-liners of AA may seem ridiculous. The passwords of the AA fellowship can become lifelines in moments of stress. Each day can be like a rose unfurling according to the plan of a Power greater than myself. My program should be planted in the right location, just as it will need to be groomed, nourished, and protected from disease. My planting will require patience, and my realizing that some floweres will be more perfect than others. Each stage of the petals' unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance- and this brings serenity.

So with that, all my fellows, I am going to watch new petals unfurl in my garden, without interfering, and have a better day than yesterday...Hope you all have one too!

RUNNIN' ON EMPTY...

2007-06-08T07:58:00.000-04:00

This week has been a hurry up and wait week! I am so tired, I feel out of sorts. Thank God I have my meetings and all of my blogger buds to help keep me focused on today! Tonight I will actually celebrate my B-day at my home group, there will be a medallion, and a cake, and I have chosen a speaker, but I don't know what to wear!!! And today I hear Pam say "It doesn't matter what you wear, just as long as you show up!" She has posted a week of letters to her still sick self just before finding recovery. It is painful to read, and I feel the lonliness and desperation in every word, but I have seen that miracles happen, because of who Pam is today. Please visit her here... http://sobriety-is-exhausting.blogspot.com/

Here is todays Daily Reflection...

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help.... we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life- the one that did not work- for a new life that can and does work under any condition whatever.

As Bill Sees It pg.10,8

I have been given a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition provided I seek progress, not perfection. To become ready for change, I practice willingness, opening myself to possibilities of change. If I realize there are defects that hinder my usefullness in AA and toward others, I become ready by meditating and receiving direction. "some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely" (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58) To let go and let God, I need only surrender my old ways to Him; I no longer fight nor do I try to control, but simply believe that, with God's help, I am changed and affirming this belief makes me ready. I empty myself to be full of awareness, light and love, and I am ready to face each day with hope.

I had goosebumpies typing out these last few words as I realize that the title of my post is "Running on empty"...coincidence? WE THINK NOT!!!

Today I am grateful for the following...

I started today out empty, and now He has filled me up!
to be clean and sober today
tonight He may use me to show a new(er)comer how it really works
my Angel has agreed to read the promises for us tonight
I get to have celebratory cake! -want some?
waking up at 7:30 is beginning to suck less!
just for today I am where I am supposed to be
even though I missed HNT, the party went on without me!
I have everything I need today, and then some
for each and everyone of YOU - you make my mornings worthwhile!
to be able to love self and others today...

Hope each and everyone finds themselves full of the good stuff today!!!

ALL WE DO IS TRY!

2007-06-06T08:41:00.000-04:00

I have had a busy week so far! On Monday I had to go to another plan of care for Angel as we begin to re-integrate her home. When I first arrived, the Children's Aid worker said "I heard you had a rough weekend". I told him that yes, it had started that way, but the rest of my weekend was great! I wish I could have captured his disbelief on film, I almost laughed ! I then attempted to explain to him how I was learning to care for self and that when Angel had her melt-down with all the accompanying abuse and other behaviours, I chose to care for me and send her home! It dawned on me, when talking to a friend yesterday, that he just doesn't "get" the program. With all of the apprehensions he does, taking children out of homes of alcoholic or drug addicted parents, he has no idea about the recovery process! My friend pointed out that he probably viewed my taking care of me as at the expense of Angels' well being. I'm sure that it did come across that way, but that is so not how I meant it...

If only he knew what it has taken for me to get to where I am. If only he knew how I struggle still with all of the guilt that comes from being sober and remembering all the times when I was truly selfish and unavailable to my precious child. If only he knew that by setting a boundary, and imposing a consequence, I am trying to teach Angel that I do love her, and I love me, so I owe it to both of us to treat her mom with love and respect and self care first... But he doesn't know any of this I guess. He asked me what I will do if Angel engages in these behaviours when she is with me more often, and I no longer have the option of 'sending her back'. I told him that I had faith that we are learning to stay out of each others' way, and by taking 'time out' away from each other, we would calm down enough to talk through the problem. I had lots of people to call who love and support me in my life, people who "get" the program and can help me to stay focused. People who can remind me to not try to change Angel, but show her that I will not tolerate some behaviours by staying strong.He said that that might help me not to drink, but what about the parenting issues? He doesn't understand how much this program teaches us about life, parenting, job hunting, indeed all of the things that we need, to live better lives. Today, I am OK with his ignorance.

After the POC, I went to Walmart to pick up a few things, and I left my name on a list of people interested in employment. Yesterday I got a call to go in for an information session. There were four of us, we were given applications and reference pages, and had an initial interview, I feel it went quite well. I didn't know that I would be interviewed then, but I think I showed my enthusiasm to work at Walmart, more shall be revealed! If they are interested, I will hear from them by the end of the week for a final interview... Hello, my name is Lushgurl, how may I help you today? Tonight is relapse prevention group and then a big celebration at one of my favourite AA groups. One of the men who is celebrating 13 years, is the one who will present me with my medallion at my celebration on Friday. I can hardly wait!

And speaking of making changes in self, and self-care, here is todays Daily Reflection...

Can He now take them all- every one ?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.76

In doing Step Six it helped me a lot to remember that I am striving for "spiritual progress". Some of my character defects may be with me for the rest of my life, but most of them have been toned down or eliminated. All that Step Six asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today. As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore, I need to repeat Step Six so that I can become happier with myself and maintain my serenity.

You guys rock too! Have a wonderful Wednesday every one of you!

LEARNING TO LIVE AND LET GO

2007-06-04T10:54:00.000-04:00

I saw this quote at Capucine's place, in the comments box, it touched a chord within me...

"I believe in the sun when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when he is silent. " ~written on the wall of a concentration camp

One of the very best parts of recovery for me is the ability to have faith, no matter what happens around me. To feel love for others, and to know I too am loved, even when I feel angry or hurt or confused. The ability to see all of the miracles in my life, and to allow them to stay...I am feeling just so...mushy? I had such a great weekend! Yeah, I know, it started out kind of rough, but I also know there was a reason for that. Saturday, I had time to reflect on my life and Angels' life. I had the opportunity to talk to other women, who, had Angel been here, I may not have spoken to. I had a chance to just be me, to love me, even though I was not feeling very lovable. On Sunday, I had the opportunity to meet with my 'new sponsor'. What an amazing little woman! She wanted to hear all about me, how I got to where I am today. She wanted to hear about my relapses, my childhood, my relationships...all of it.

We went for a walk along the Ottawa River. It was a beautiful, hot day, and we sat under a big tree in the shade and talked for hours. She asked me to read Step One aloud, and we talked about what it meant to us. She helped me to see things that I couldn't see for myself. She shared about her recovery, and parts of her life that brought her to where she is. She didn't judge me or take issue with any thing I said. She just listened and asked questions and shared the parts of her life that were relevant. I felt so free and loved, and so very grateful that I finally found the courage to ask her to be my 'new sponsor'. After we were finished she gave me a big hug and thanked ME! She told me that she felt like we had a good fit, and looked forward to working with me. What a wonderful gift to receive for my 1st AA birthday. I loved how she would make suggestions to me like " I don't want to tell you to call me everyday..." and of course I heard myself commit to do just that! WOW, me, getting better today...

Here is todays Daily Reflection, care to read it aloud with me?...

LETTING GO OF OUR OLD SELVES
Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free (wo)man at last... Are we now ready to let God remove from us all of the things which we have admitted are objectionable?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 75, 76

The Sixth Step is the last "preparation" Step. Although I have made no formal request of my Higher Power in the first Six Steps. I have identified my problem, came to believe that there is a solution, and have "cleaned house". I now ask: "Am I willing to live a life of sobriety, of change, to let go of my old self?" I must determine if I am truly ready to change. I review what I have done and become willing for God to remove all of my defects of character; for in the next Step, I will say to my creator I am willing and will ask for help. If I have been thorough in the preparation of my foundation and feel that I am willing to change, I am then ready to continue with the next Step. "If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing" (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76)

Today I am grateful for the following...

I am clean and sober and willing to remain so
my 'new sponsor' will kick my ass if she feels I need it
Angel and I spoke at length last night- I think she is beginning to heal
for all of the calm times after the storms
to have everything I need and then some
for all of the blessings I can see today
for all of YOU

This is me- Happy, Joyous, and Free, anyone care to dance?

DO I LOOK ANY OLDER?

2007-06-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

This is a picture of me a year and a day old...how do ya like me now? And here is todays Daily Reflection...

... we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensible.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76

Steps Four and Five were difficult, but worthwhile. Now I was stuck on Step Six and, in despair, I picked up the Big Book and read this passage. I was outside, praying for willingness, when I raised my eyes and saw a huge bird rising in the sky. I watched it suddenly give itself up to the powerful air currents of the mountains. Swept along, swooping and soaring, the bird did things seemingly impossible for mortal birds to do. It was an inspiring example of how a fellow creature "letting go" to a power greater than itself. I realized that if the bird "took back his will" and tried to fly with less trust, on its own power alone, it would spoil its apparent free flight. That insight granted me the willingness to pray the Seventh Step prayer.

It's not easy to know God's will in each circumstance. I must search out and be ready for the currents, and that's where prayer and meditation help! Because I am, of myself, nothing. I ask God to grant me knowledge of His will, and the power and courage to carry it out- today.

Yesterday, I was determined to begin the next phase of my recovery in a new way. Instead of staying stuck in the hurt from my fight with Angel, I chose to enjoy my day, and that included some elements of self-care, where before there would have been self-destruction. I had some breakfast, read my prayers and meditations, and did some blog-stalking. Then I picked up the phone. I called the woman who had spoken on Friday night, we had a very good conversation about learning to let go of control of our children. I asked her how long it took for her own daughter to forgive her for all of the alcoholic behaviours, she said about two years! It had been a painful journey for both of them, but in the end, it all worked out. The second call came to me. It was my new sponsor (yes I'll probably keep calling her my 'new sponsor' , even after twenty years!). She was calling to see how I was. Again we talked about letting go of children- is there a message here? We are getting together to read and discuss Step one, this is appropriate for me I think, because if I stay focused on today, I may just make it this time! The third call was to a very good friend. An amazing young woman of thirty, who is about to celebrate 16 years of clean and sober living. She really has been my 'bestest friend' ever since I met her. At my first meeting back, she was the speaker, I was in awe, I wanted what she had, and thankfully, we became friends.

I spent the afternoon watching my Jays kick butt against Chicago- YAY! I puttered in my garden, showered and then went for a bike ride. I chose not to call Angel, just to let the dust settle. when I got back from my ride, there was a message from Angel, apologizing for her behaviour and asking me to forgive her. She said "if you're not too mad at me...". I cried. I don't think she knows how very much I truly love her, even when I'm angry. And the truth is, that I wasn't really angry at all, I was just feeling overwhelmed and questioning my ability to be a good mother. When she acts out and expresses anger like she did, I know it is because she feels safe enough to do that, I just want for her to not have to hurt herself or me or anyone else in the process.... We will talk later today, I will remind her that I love her no matter what, and apologize for hurting her. I will ask her what she needs from me. That, for today is all I can do.

Today I am grateful for the following...

I don't have a hangover from celebrating my first birthday
I didn't feel the need to hurt me or anyone else yesterday
I have everything I need, and then some
there are many people in my life today who love and trust me
there are many people in my life today who I love and trust
today can be any kind of day I choose it to be
I am 366 days sober, and ready to keep learning and growing
that I received about 15 e-mails yesterday to congratulate me on my anniversary- they were all people I had never met or 'spoken' to before!
today, I feel "Happy, Joyous and Free"
for every single one of YOU- loving me, sharing with me, and accepting me

MY FIRST BIRTHDAAY

2007-06-02T08:43:00.000-04:00

To everyone that has accompanied me on my trAAvels this far... have a piece of cake on me-you've earned it!

This is the reading from todays Daily Reflections for June 2nd...

Here are the Steps we took...
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 59

These are the words that lead into the Twelve Steps. In their direct simplicity they sweep aside all psychological and philosophical considerations about the rightness of the Steps. They describe what I did: I took the Steps and sobriety was the result. These words do not imply that I should walk the well-trodden path of those who went before, but rather that there is a way for me to become sober and that is a way I shall have to find. It is a new path, one that leads to infinite light at the top of the mountain. The Steps advise me about the footholds that are safe and about chasms to avoid. They provide me with the tools I need during the many parts of the solitary journey of my soul. When I speak of this journey, I share my experience, strength and hope with others.

Last night was not great for me. Angel and I had a huge fight which resulted in me sending her back to the group home, probably for the weekend. Apparently Angel had made tentative plans with a gurl friend for tonight. The plans included going to a street in downtown Ottawa, where all of the bars along the way would be opened up, with big screen tv's showing game three of the Senators/Ducks game- for those who are not aware, this is the first time in about thirty years, that our home hockey team has had a shot at winning the Stanley Cup. Anyway, the game is going tonight, the entire length of this road will be closed to traffic, meaning that the patrons of various bars wil be able to wander freely about. One of the gurls, I have known for years, and I love her as if she were my own, the other gurls I have never met. Ah, but I was 16 once, and if you are looking to party, this would be the place to be... So in my infinite wisdom as a mom who had her share of schemes to find a party in my younger days, I said that this was the last place that I thought Angel should be on a Saturday night...and she was off...

First I must set up a bit of background... when I was still drinking and Angel would have plans made that I did not agree with, she would basically say F-you, and leave anyway, at which point I would drink to console myself for being such a bad mother. I would try to set boundaries and limits, but the fights that would ensue would wear me down to the point that I would give in or as mentioned, Angel would take off anyway. I am working very hard at setting healthy limits today and it is very challenging for a number of reasons...
A) I always used to give in if she threw a big enough tantrum
B) Angel has already had her share of addictions problems
C) it is hard to impose consequences when the child takes off
D) I am dealing with years of guilt at not being a better mom

When Angel started to realize that her plans were going to be thwarted, she became verbally abusive, another good old stand-by that has worked in the past with me. But I didn't cave. I attempted to call my sponsor, at which point the phone was unplugged. I went outside to calm down, at which point the door was locked behind me. I tended to my garden at which point Angel came out to pursue her attack. She went back and forth from name calling and insulting to begging me to reconsider. When it appeared that I was not going to give in this time, her behaviours escalated...I am NOT going to your stupid meeting tonight...OK I'll stay here with you and have a boring weekend, like usual...I HATE this stupid serenity bull****... I hope you end up drinking again.....

Knowing that I was chairing the Friday night meeting, and having had a using dream, and smelling dope from my neighbors all week, I made a decision to call the house and have them come pick Angel up. I explained to her, and the staff at the house, that it had been a somewhat difficult week for me, and I was determined to make it to my one year celebration. So I had to take care of me. I figured that Saturday would also be spent arguing with Angel as she attempted to change my mind and allow her to go to "party central" with other 16 year old gurls on a Saturday night... The call being made, the tears started flowing, hers, not mine! She accused me of not loving her, she accused me of being a bitch, she once again threw all of the terrible things I had done to her in my face and it hurt, oh it really hurt, both of us.

I said that she was right, I was not able to be the kind of mother that she needed when I was still drinking, and I was very sorry for all of the ways that I had let her down. I told her that I had worked so hard this year to make changes, so I could be a better mom, to show her that I did truly love her, by setting limits and doing what I felt was best for both of us. I also said that I had to take care of me, and that included going to my meetings and trying to live in today, and not putting myself in situations that threatened my sobriety. blah, blah, blah.... I know that Angel could nor hear any of what I was saying because she was so angry and hurting, and I went into self-preservation mode. I waited on the front step for the staff to come and get her, and went to my meeting...

The speaker I had chosen was amazing. Her story was a lot like mine in so many ways. I sat and cried throughout.... After the meeting I had the opportunity to talk to my new sponsor, and a really good friend. They took opposites side of the proverbial coin on this fighting with Angel thing. One said I had to allow her some freedom, not be so protective of her, the other agreed that due to our history, I had done my best to protect Angel from herself. They both agreed however, that maybe neither Angel or I , were ready to live together again. My worst fears, verbalized by two very intelligent women. And now I am back, so-to-speak, to square one. I need to take care of me. I want to be a good mother to my daughter. I don't want to cause her any more pain than I already have. I want so much for us to live together, but I just don't know that we can. Ho hum...I continue on my journey One Day at a Time and I know more shall be revealed... Happy Birthday to me!

Just so you all know, I am grateful for so many things today, not the least of which is my sobriety, but due to the length of my novel, I will skip writing out my gratitude list... you're welcome!

IT'S A JUNGLE IN HERE!

2007-06-01T08:44:00.001-04:00

I had a using dream last night. I haven't had one for many years, since the last time I attempted this recovery thing. I think it is because tomorrow is officially my one year clean and sober. So in this dream, I actually have no memory of the using part- big surprise there! But I was with my new sponsor, in a school or something, and I felt VERY stoned. The thing is, because I had no memory of using, I denied that I was stoned. I definately did not like how it felt, it was like I was bordering on a major anxiety attack, so out of control... I didn't like the fact that I had to lie to cover it up either. When I woke up, I still felt at odds with me, guilty almost. So I went to take some more pictures of my garden. The first one I named "It's a jungle out here" and the second "My garden Angel". The first represents how I felt when I first woke up, and the second is a reminder to me, of how this program can be full of miracles, when we choose to see them.

Here is today's Daily Reflection, and maybe it is another message from my Higher Power on this eve of my one year...

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84

When I was drinking, my attitude was totally selfish, totally self-centered; my pleasure and my comfort came first. Now that I am sober, self-seeking has started to slip away. My whole attitude toward life and people is changing. For me, the first "A" in our name stands for attitude. My attitude is changed by the second "A" in our name, which stands for action. By working the Steps, attending meetings, and carrying the message, I can be restored to sanity. Action is the magic word! With a positive, helpful attitude and regular AA action, I can stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety. My attitude now is that I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober!

Today I am extremely grateful for the following...

my attitude and outlook has begun to change

to be chairing my home group for the month of June- my way of carrying the message

to choose the speakers for June- I have decided to hear some women speak- Five of 'em!

the jungle in my back yard does not represent my crowded mind!

I can fill my days with activity instead of fear

if I have everything I need, and then some, I can share with others

today I have everything I need and then some!

me, clean and sober for one year = a miracle in my world

now that Angel has decided to come home, I have the opportunity to be the mom that she needs and deserves

all of the comments (support) to my bloggy and my recovery- I never could have done this without you

today I cry tears of gratitude, not remorse

each and every one of YOU- I so love you guys!!!

hAAlf nAAked Thursday

2007-05-31T08:27:00.000-04:00

This is me hAAlf awAAke for HNT...to see more hAAlf nAAked fun click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/, and just so I don't scare ya too much, here are a couple more garden pics for your enjoyment...

If you can ignore the chain link fence and the toys from my neighbors yard, there is no place I'd rather be than in my garden! And to remind us all what the purpose of life is, here is todays Daily Reflection...

...our society has concluded that it has but one high mission- to carry the AA message to those who don't know there is a way out.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 131

The "light" to freedom shines bright on my fellow alcoholics as each one of us challenges the other to grow. The "Steps" to self-improvement have small beginnings, but each Step builds the "ladder" out of the pit of despair to new hope. Honesty becomes my tool to unfurl the "chains" which bound me. A sponsor, who is a caring listener, can help me to truly hear the message guiding me to freedom.
I ask God for the courage to live in such a way that the Fellowship may be a testimony to His favor. This mission frees me to share my gifts of wellness through a spirit of readiness to serve others.

Today I am grateful for the following...

to see a new(er)comer pick up her thirty day chip
that there were a lot of people willing to look at relapse prevention last night
that day by day, I am becoming more well
I have the patience to wait for my celebration a week after my sobriety date!
that I am choosing to not eat junk for breakfast
to be happy, not envious, for the good fortune of others
today I am able to pay my bills
another 24 hours of clean and sober living
I am meeting with my new sponsor at the woman's group tonight
for ALL of YOU...

Happy HNT everyone, choose to have a good day!

TOLERANCE, ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE

2007-05-29T07:54:00.000-04:00

Hey there people! I survived my shopping trip with Angel, her friend ended up cancelling at the last minute, so it was just me and my baby. Surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. In the group home, each gurl is given $500.00 once a year for clothing, so Angel had half of that with her. I learned a lot about me during our travels! For one thing, I am no longer jealous about all the teeny tiny little gurls running around out there! Angel is a perfect little size 6, which would be a size 4 in American! I noticed when she was trying on clothes, that she had no qualms about it, she chose things that she liked, after asking my opinion. I also found out that I missed that most fun part of being a teenager. For me, clothes shopping is always, shall we say, traumatic? I have a very skewed self image, indeed to the point that, what I see, is often so distorted, that I cannot rely on my own judgement. So for me, the shopping brought up some old feelings, and that is really no surprise, as I am staying clean and sober. My sh*tty committee is trying to sabotage me by challenging my worthiness, through my body image. Thank God, I have a counsellor who knows me so well. We spent yesterday, helping to get me back on a good track.

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, and as usual, it speaks to me about self acceptance...

The only requirment for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 139

I first heard the short form of the Third Tradition in the Preamble. When I came to AA, I could not accept myself, my alcoholism, or a Higher Power. If there had been any physical, mental, moral or religious requirements for membership, I would be dead today. Bill W. said in his tape that the Third Tradition is a charter for individual freedom. The most impressive thing to me is the feeling of acceptance from members who were practicing the Third tradition by tolerating and accepting me. I feel acceptance is love and love is God's will for us.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

my feelings are nor facts
I can be happy for someone else's good fortune
shopping with a teenager can be a character building experience for me
I have more new blooms in my garden today
my "Boys" won against the Yankees last night
once I have accepted something, it no longer holds me prisoner
I am learning to love my body, one part at a time- I have cute little feeties!
Angel has decided to come back home to momma!
I have a safe place to lay my head at night
if my day sucks, I can start it over
to learn that love for self and others does not have to hurt anyone
to be clean and sober today
all of my fellow bloggers, yes, that means YOU!

Off to take pictures of my garden/jungle... If ya want to view my slideshow, click on view all images... Stalk to ya soon...

HERE COMES THE SUN ...

2007-05-26T09:44:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post yesterday, because I thought I had a lot to say. But first I had the idea to download a picture to go with my post. I had a picture in mind, so all I had to do was find a suitable image and download it... simple, right? Well this is me we're talking about, and it seems that I had made plans and then told my HP what they were... As you may have noticed, there was no posting from Lushgurl yesterday! It all goes along with the theme of acceptance, I think. Try as I did, I could not find and download a picture of a winding road, not meant to be I guess! And on the theme of acceptance... even though it hurt like hell, I had begun to accept that Angel was not coming home. I had talked about it at length, here, there and everywhere (hey, I just noticed, there also seems to be another theme going on here, can you see it?). Anyway, having been able to let go of my child, I felt I was able to move on. Of course Angel is the child of (two) alcoholics, and faced with the possibility of having someone else make choices for her, decided to choose for herself! It seems that she has decided to come home YAY! But wait, there's more...

I am now faced with another fear, what if I am not able to be a good mom again? In talking to our Children's Aid Worker, Angel had asked about this very thing. The decision was made to allow her to come back home, but with a six month supervision order. So if our lives begin to unravel, she can still go back into care. Yippee, I think knowing that we have a back door, an escape hatch if you will, has eased some of the fears for both of us, We will not be condemned to stay together forever if things go terribly wrong! We can work it out... It seems that good old HP is telling Angel to "Get back to where you once belonged" ! On that note, here is today's Daily Reflection's reading...

Our spiritual and emotional growth in AA does not depend so deeply upon our success as it does upon our failures and setbacks. If you will bear this in mind, I think that your slip will have the effect of kicking you upstairs instead of kicking you down.

As Bill Sees It pg. 184

In keeping with the pain and adversity which our founders encountered and overcame in establishing AA, Bill W. sent us a clear message: a relapse can provide a positive experience toward abstinence and a lifetime of recovery. A relapse brings truth to what we hear repeatedly in the meetings- "Don't take that first drink!" It reinforces the belief in the progressive nature of the disease, and it drives home the need for, and beauty of humility in our spiritual program. Simple truths come in complicated ways to me when I become ego driven.

Today I am very thankful for the following...

I can learn from my mistakes
we all are human after all
a good friend in the program has offered to pick up my medallion
someone else is baking me a cake
for me acceptance is the key
the reminder that this is a simple program if I don't complicate it
all we need is faith and fellowship and love- la la la la la- all you need is love....
today I can choose to think positively
for each and every one of my fellow bloggers- yes, that means YOU

Well, today I am off to go shopping with two teenagers- wish me luck!! Love you guys (just in case I don't survive said excursion!)

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES

2007-05-24T09:57:00.001-04:00

Just thought I'd share some more of my garden with you all, these are purple and yellow irises. I wish you could see them in real life, but hope you get how pretty they are! It is hAAlf nAAked Thursday, and it seems I began my preparation yesterday. Gawd, I felt so nAAked and exposed, but it felt good to be able to 'bare' my heart and soul to you. I continued to share my woes at Relapse Prevention group and again at the Rainbow Group. I feel lighter today, and I see my counsellor later....WHEW! Last night I was lucky enough to have a new(er)comer come up to me after the meeting. I had mentioned that my butt would be sitting at the Womens; group tonight, who knows, I may find a new sponsor, or at the very least, get some more phone numbers for my tool box. So shewas saying how she felt kind of at odds because she had the least amount of sobriety in the group, I quickly reminded her that all any of us had was today. No matter if we 'have thirty years, thirty days or thirty minutes, we are all only an arms' length away from that first drink. I think it is important to remember that. Then. before I could stop it, my big mouth blurted out "I'll see ya tomorrow at the womans' Group"... crap, now I've made a committment...thanks HP!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading... as soon as I opened the book and saw it, I knew I would be OK, the title today is "Happy, Joyous and Free", what are the chances? This is exactly what I have asked to be inscribed on my one year medallion...

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery, God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 133

For years I believed in a punishing God and blamed Him for my misery. I have learned that I must lay down the "weapons" of self in order to pick up the "tools" of the AA program . I do not struggle with the program because it is a gift and I have never struggled when receiving a gift. If I sometimes keep on struggling, it is because I'm still hanging onto my old ideas and..." the results are nil."

You see I have never doubted in a God of my own understanding, but many times I have been too busy listening to the sh*tty committee in my head that I am unable to hear Him speak to me. I was so touched last night by the outpouring of love and support to yesterday's post. I had been in so much pain, but when I read all of your comments, I broke down in tears of gratitude. I felt loved and accepted, and fully a part of this wonderful AA world - thank you all so much for showing me just how this program works everyday. Here is what I am grateful for today..

I was able to post to HNT for the second time!

the cleansing tears that I have shed

for all of the support I have in my 'real' life and my 'blog' life

I am one day closer to my 365 days of being clean and sober

the road I walk upon is always changing for the better

we are not alone in our trAAvels

someday, I feel, I will be able to HUG some of you in person

today is going to be another good day, because I choose it to be

I was able to set a boundary with Angel and stick to it

I want to take care of me today- what a change !

for each and every one of my 'true friends' in blogland- yes that means YOU

It's gonna be very hot here today, I might have to spend my day hAAlf nAAked... for more hAAlf nAAked fun go here: http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

MORE ON PHOBIAS

2007-05-23T09:14:00.000-04:00

After completing my list, I came across a few more phobias to add to my list, just happened upon them in my blog-stalking... dentists, heights, and bridges, growing old alone !! My good friend Granny-Ann, then directed me to the following...

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding" Amen
Page 76 AA Big Book

I knew as soon as I had read it, that this was the Seventh Step prayer. A sponsor I had in Barrie told me to read it everyday. She said that it was not enough to just be willing to have God remove all of my defects of character, now I had to get busy and ask Him to do just that! It's like she would quote the Big Book to me, with all of its' suggestions, in such a way that I "got it". And after all of these years of going back out, and returning to the program, the lessons of that sponsor come back to me at times like this. Kind of like riding a bike without falling off and breaking ones' nose!

As I mentioned a few days ago, I have been on an emotional seesaw lately, of course I had a few up days, and now the seesaw is going back down. I have increasingly begun to have a feeling that Angel doesn't really want to come home, call it mothers' intuition, I dunno. I have initiated the conversation with her on several occasions being careful about how I approach it. I don't want to add to the pressure she must already be feeling by trying to sway her decision. The thing is, I keep getting the same answer "I don't know mom, it's like 50/50 for me. I want to come home, but I also want to stay where I am..." Despite her words though, I have been feeling more that she wants to become a crown ward. On that side... She will soon be given the chance to live on her own in assisted living. They set her up in a room in a house with other gurls. There is minimal supervision. She is given money for food and clothing etc. They will also pay for college after she finishes high school. Hmmm, tough choice huh? 16, on your own, rent paid, money to spend, no adults (to speak of)... Gee, what would I do in that situation? On the mommy side... a mom who loves me forever, a mom who has rules and boundaries, a mom who is clean and sober today but has messed up many times in the past... Yup, it's a tough call.

Well yesterday, I needed to have more information. So I called my CAS worker to ask what would happen if Angel made the decision to stay in care and become a crown ward. He said that the judge would honour her wishes. Apparently, all along, Angel has expressed to him that she did indeed want to stay in care. So if he is being truthful with me, my intuition has been right on. And Angel being Angel is more concerned about my feelings than she should be, so she is afraid to tell me how she really feels. OUCH. Of course I want her to come home truth be told I also have a lot of fears about this. I am not used to being a full time mom now. We get along great for the weekends. I can be strong, take care of me, and be a good mom for two or three days at a time. We are getting much better at addressing problems as they come up, so conflict is minimal. But the thought of being a full time mom to a very hormonal teenager with an attitude and, I'm sure, a lot of unexpressed anger at the mommy...hmmm, tough choice again!

Yesterday I did get the opportunity to spend time with a good friend, so it was good to air some of my thoughts, and get feedback. I then called my sponsor to firm up plans for my birthday. She told me that she has been extremely busy lately and that is why she hadn't returned my last few calls. Then she told me how she was going away every weekend with a new boyfriend, I asked if she would be there to give me my medallion, and she said no! I went numb, I could not believe what my ears had told my brain. I asked her if she could make an exception on my 1st birthday, and go to her cottage on Saturday instead, and then she said she didn't feel that she was sponsor material anymore, that I needed to find someone who could be more available to me. OK, I can accept the rejection, but I need someone to sponsor me today! I have a lot of stuff going on, and it is only two weeks until my celebration. I honestly cannot believe she would pick now to tell me this.

So now I hafta go back to the beginning of my post, where I was talking about my fears. Anyone care to recite the following with me? I could use a little extra help right now!

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." Page 76 AA Big Book

On that note here is what I am grateful for today...

to be clean and sober
to have faced heartbreak and rejection before, and get through it
to have people in my life who love me and want the best for me
my garden and all its' new blooms
for AA and the fellowship
for a really good sleep in a safe home
the courage to accept the things I cannot change
for today- a new start
that I am able to find beauty in a sometimes yucky world
all of my cyber friends and admirers LOL
all of you who reach out to me and share your E S and H- thank you!

Anyone care to play today? Have a great day in the playground of life!

A, B, C, SOMEONE TAGGED ME!

2007-05-21T11:24:00.000-04:00

I don't know how much recovery I'll be able to fit into this post, but it's all good. I was tagged by my friend Nael- visit her here-http://dooropens.blogspot.com/ Here goes nothing...

A- Attached or Single? Umm, big surprise, I am hopelessly single!

B- Best Friend- Me and my HP, sometimes my Angel too!

C- Cake or Pie-Hmm... cake or pie, pie or cake yeah, OK, one of each- remember I AM an alcoholic

D-Drink of choice- OK, this is a tough one, I loooove my coffee (refer back to the I am an alcoholic statement) but I gotta admit, I just love ice cold water! And with all these yummy 'Crystal light' flavors out there now, I'm drinking so much water, I feel like I'm floating! LOL

E- Essential Items-Hmmm , this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I don't think I'd love life as much without my sweet computer! Now that I have apparently figured out how to do stuff on it...

F- Favorite color-gee, I wonder if anyone out there knows what my favorite colour is? I'll give y'all a hint, I surround you, me and everyone with it, whenever you visit me here!

G- Gummi Bears or Worms- I love those cute little bears, but I am a real jerk when it comes to chewing my food properly, so I usually choke on them little buggers! So I guess I'll hafta pick the worms... Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms....

H- Hometown- I was born in Halifax (Nova Scotia), but have lived in Ottawa for most of my life, so for today, Ottawa is my hometown

I-Indulgence- Ice cream. So fattening, but I still do it. Breyer's, usually dark cherry with chocolate.--- this is what Nael said... funny thing is I just happened upon this very ice cream last night- YUUUUMMMMMY! But if I'm goona be honest about it- CHOCOLATE- for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert- better than sex LOL

J- January or February?- I am so over yesterday, it has passed forever beyond my control, tomorrow is not yet here...so that leaves me with just one day.... Um, let's see, it's May? Um, yeah May is my favorite month!!!

K- Kids- If you're asking if I want any...uh, no thanks, I never really liked kids ( just kidding), if you're asking how many I have, well that would depend on the day! Apparently I gave birth to one very beautiful little gurl almost 16 years ago. Some days she feels like an army of one, other days, I feel like I am so alone in the world... Today I am the proud parent of one beautiful Angel who is sleeping soundly in her bed SSSHHHH...don't wake her up yet! You can visit her here- she'd love to see a few comments on her own little bloggy!http://aangeldevilteen.blogspot.com/

L- Life is incomplete without- sobriety, family, friends. In that order. I was too lazy to type this out myself, so I shamelessly stole Nael's answer, but hey, it works for me too!

M- Marriage Date- April 15th 1989. As some of you already know it was a short and not-so-sweet marriage, I left him in December of that same year....remind me not to do THAT again!

N-Number of Siblings- One sister, we used to be thick as thieves in our much younger days, but time, and my addictions were not kind to my little big sister (she is called that because she is younger than I, but has always been as big, or bigger than me- as in taller)

O- Oranges or Apples?- I love juicy, sweet oranges , but every so often I'll get a craving for an apple, especially in the fall, like a Gala or maybe a Granny Smith- yumm

P- Phobias/Fears- How much time do ya have... Flying , thunder storms, the dark, spiders (not a big snake fan either), come to think of it roaches *shivers*, there are probably lots more, but thinking about all the phobias I have has made me afraid to think about all the phobias I have- hey, maybe that's another phobia- the fear of thinking about ones' phobias- I'll hafta google it later!

Q- Favorite Quote- "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through..." You know the rest (I hope, I have it posted in my blog!). I love this one from Mary J. Blige too, " I blame X for nothing, but I forgive X everything", and another fav is from Maya Anjelou " We did what we knew how to do, when we knew better, we did better...". I'm not sure if I got this last quote exactly right, but I hope you know it. Last but not least, every time I hear this man speak, I am moved to tears, the little hairs on my body stand up on end, and I get big ol' goosebumps, does it sound familiar to any of you? " .... I have a dream..."

R- Reason to Smile- the sunshine, my garden, birds chirping, childrens' laughter, seeing my Angel walk into a room- any room, a baby- that isn't mine!, new born animals, my life in general, I am sober today.

S- Seasons- Hmmm, I'll give you guys a hint here, the snow finally melting, new stuff growing, the start of baseball season, the promise of the dog days of summer just around the corner....

T- Tags- I don't know who to tag, I have done this quiz before, although it must have been before I garnered all the throngs of friends and admirers of my humble postings.... So, I dunno, if ya feel like doing it, blame it on me, and if your name starts with the letter "S" I'll be stalkin' ya later to see if you have taken me up on my challenge...BWAAAHAHAHA

U- Unknown fact about me- gosh, this is a tough one too. My life is pretty much an open book these days, hmmm.... did ya know that when I was 15, I had a 'nose job'? Some of my childhood nicknames included 'hook, beak, and prominent probiscus, this last given to me by my dad' Yup! I had suffered from very severe allergies, and had what they call a deviated septum, so in attempt to help me actually BREATHE, I was given a rhinoplasty. The thing is though, apparently, I was born with an unusually large, dare I say hideous growth on my face, in lieu of a more normal looking shnoz, I however was unaware of the size of my nose, because after all, who the heck gets to see their own profile? Long story short, my parents had addressed their concerns for their vanity about my appearance, and asked the doc to take a little off. This fact I was clueless to until the surgeon came in to prep me and asked me how I would like my new nose to look... good one on my already fragile esteem! Any way, and highly ironic to me today, less than one year after this "very expensive surgery which my dad had to pay for" I fell off my bike, right onto my face- and broke my nose!!! I have had two more surgeries on it since then!

V- Vegetarian or oppressor of animals? Shamelessly, once again, I will steal from Nael who says "Meat, I love meat." But truth be told, I also love my veggies, just not fanatical about avoiding meat is all...

W-Worst Habit- Don't have any bad habits ROFLAO! And if I did, d'ya really think I'd be sharing them here?

X-X-rays or ultrasounds- Ummm, did ya read about the nose job? And of course, I have had ultrasounds to see if my child actually sported horns and a tail, of course these things don't actually show up on ultrasounds, and did ya know that there are some beings out there who have no reflections in mirrors, and others who cast no shadows, but I digress!

Y- Your Favorite Food-Uh HELLO, was any one listening when I said that CHOCOLATE is better than SEX?

Z- Zodiac- Pure, innocent, the harvester of all things growing, yup a Virgo I am!

Okay, I think that is quite enuff about me for today! And how are YOU doin" ? Love your new today, as it is a gift, enjoy it for the present it is.... quote by Lushgurl- go ahead add it to your list of favorites!

GIVING WITHOUT STRINGS

2007-05-19T09:30:00.000-04:00

Here is today's Daily Reflection...
And he well knows that his own life has been made richer, as an extra dividend of giving to another without any demands for a return.
As Bill Sees It pg 69

The concept of giving without strings was hard to understand when I first came into the program. I was suspicious when others wanted to help me. I thought, "What do they want in return?" But I soon learned the joy of helping another alcoholic and I understood why they were there for me in the beginning. My attitude changed and I wanted to help others. Sometimes I became anxious, as I wanted them to know the joys of sobriety, that life can be beautiful. When my life is full of a loving God of my understanding and I give that love to my fellow alcoholic, I feel a special richness that is hard to explain.

Ah yes, the more I read these writings and the more meetings I go to, I am even more aware of where I belong. To me, there were always strings attached to everything, no matter who the person was or what the giving was. Sadly, I gave my very soul to be accepted, only to find that I was not. I gave my body for drugs, only to wake up feeling remorseful and used. New in the program, I still had that feeling that people wanted something from me in exchange for this sobriety thing. No one, in my opinion, would give away the happiness that they had worked so hard for, without getting something back from me! I didn't trust their words. I grew close to no one. But slowly, by continuing to go to meetings, and sharing a little here and there, I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. And this God, of my understanding, just wanted me to be happy. The people in the meetings said "We can only keep what we have, by giving it away!".

Today, I do my best to share my experience, strength and hope with others. I see now that when I speak at a meeting, secretary, pick up chairs or even make coffee, I am showing others that it feels good to give back. I am grateful for this new life that I have and I want for others to have the experience of freedom that this program has given me. One of the ways I can do this today is to shake hands at the door, be a greeter, welcome people to my meetings whether it is their hundredth or their very first meeting. When I leave a comment on your blog, I am sharing how the program works for me. I never know if my words might be the very words that you need to hear today. Just as when you leave a comment for me, it could have been your words that helped to bring me out of the funk that I was in.

Last night I received a call from Angels' group home that apparently she had come home drunk. As a mom this devastated me. I had read in several posts last night about the pain of watching our children drink and use, struggling to find their own way. I cried in frustration and fear for my daughter. I don't want her to have to follow my path in an attempt to feel good about herself. But all I can do is to continue living clean and sober today. My new life and happiness, the freedom from addictions, my hope for the future, are all things I can freely give my daughter. Of course unconditional love and a soft place to fall are also things I can give her with no expectations. All of the things that all of you have given me, I now have to pass alomg to another who suffers. Life is good today!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

for being clean and sober today

all of the people who welcomed me to the program

the ability to love unconditionally

the acceptance I feel in the rooms, and here in 'blog land'

for a friend sharing a part of her with me last night- trusting me

I am willing to give without strings today

the digital camera that takes the pics of my garden

my depression is lighter today- it too passed

the sunshine

coffee

I can love Angel until she loves herself- and then some

for a new chance at life

I have everything I need today, and then some

ALL of YOU

HO HUM ... IT'S FRIDAY...

2007-05-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Friday now and I'm feeling a little down today, not sure why... Angel called to ask if it was OK for her to come tomorrow instead of today, of course I said it was all right, after all, she IS a teenager, and she DOES have a life without mom! This weekend is a long weekend anyway, so we'll still have extra time together. I had made German potato salad and we'll have knackwurst with it, and we we're going to eat outside, since it is so gorgeous out. I guess we can still do that tomorrow, right? All I can say, is I'm getting kind of tired of these up and down moods I've been having. They have been mostly up, but then I'm blindsided by the down, and I'm not liking that very much at all. I know...this too shall pass, I say it all the time ! It just doesn't seem appropriate to say it to me, even though I know it's true!

Get a grip Lushgurl, you know what is going on here.... my inner demons are trying to sabotage me, yeah, that's it! I called my former boss from the fruit and vegetable market today, he had told me that he might want me to work this weekend. But when I spoke to him, he said he wouldn't need me, as it was not busy, and too cold. What the F***? It is beautiful out today, and a long weekend, which is typically very busy for outdoor shopping here. So now I'm thinking he doesn't want me to work at all, but am too afraid to just ask him, so my sh*tty committee is working over time in my head! The thing is, I was really looking forward to working this weekend, I'm getting restless, and there's nothing like a twelve hour shift outside to help kill the restless bugs! Oh well, maybe next weekend...

As I shared yesterday, I had won some money the other day. It was not like hundreds or anything, but I am so used to having no money at this time of month, that I felt rich for a minute! So I went shopping, it's one of the things that I'm really good at. I bought some groceries, of course, and three new lanterns for my garden and a 'flutterby' wind chime, which sounds really pretty. Then I decided to get the mommy some new sandals, seeing as it is summer and all. It took me a long time to pick out a couple of pairs, and the total was still only about twenty bucks, but, wait for it, now I am feeling guilty. That just ruins the fun of shopping ya know- that guilt thing, so even though I could use the shoes, I almost feel like returning them. Why? 'Cause deep down I don't really feel like I deserve any new and pretty things. I am so used to spending money on Angel or buying stuff we need, that it doesn't feel OK just buying something for me. AAARRRGGGHHH !!!

In light of my unusually cheery mood (LMAO!!!), I think now would be a good time for our Daily Reflection's reading...

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.83

My first true freedom is the freedom to not have to take a drink today. If I truly want it, I will work the Twelve Steps and the happiness of this freedom will come to me through the Steps- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Other freedoms will follow, and inventorying them is a new happiness. I had a new freedom today, the freedom to be me. I have the freedom to be the best me I have ever been.

OK, my HP, I get the message, I have a choice today! So today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

I have the freedom to be me today, not entirely sure if I like this, LOL
to be clean and sober
more new blooms in my garden- light pink tulips and purple irises, yellow are coming soon)
I get to secratary my home group tonight- so I can feel useful to my fellows
I have food in my fridge and money in my pocket
Angel will come tomorrow, for the rest of the weekend
wherever I go, there I am !
my 'Boys" are playing tonight, hopefully their winning streak will continue
whenever I feel yucky, I hear or read something that changes my mood
this is a kind of long post, but I'm not sorry, 'cause I had to get some stuff out
I lied, I kinda do feel bad about the long post!
ALL of my blogging friends, yes, that means YOU

Have a FREE weekend on me folks!

IT'S ALL GOOD TODAY

2007-05-17T08:16:00.000-04:00

In case anyone was wonderin'... I'm a Blue Jays fan! See more HNT madness here ...
http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yup, I'm back! The me with the eternal optimism, the me who loves life, the me who is grateful to wake up, it's all in there today. I had made a mistake yesterday thinking I had my therapy appointment, but it was actually the day before- ooops! And last night I went to my relapse prevention group to find that I was the only client to show up! It worked out OK though, because I got to talk to the counsellor and the co-facilitator all by self! That's what I'm all about, me, me, me!!! Needless to say, group ended early due to the fact it was a group of one, so I got to come home and watch some of my Jays game before my date with my mom. On my way home, I ran into an old drinking/drugging buddie. He was going through a really bad time and was waiting to get into a 28 day treatment program. He knew I was in the program and asked for my number, he said he wants to get sober but can't do it alone, and was afraid of going to meetings alone... I guess God put me in his path yesterday!

My date with mom was fun. She had given me some money to play bingo with, and some extra to tide me over for the month. Anyway, I would have argued with her, and not taken the extra in the old days, or I would have taken it and spent it on booze or drugs. But yesterday I just said thank you. I know that my mom can afford it and it makes her feel good to help me out this way, so it worked out for both of us. Long story short, I ended up winning at bingo, so I gave my mom half and still had lots left over for me and Angel this weekend. I think since I no longer worry about having money because I always have everything I need, that my HP was sending me a gift of extra! All in all, a really good day.

Here is the reading from 24 Hours A Day...

A lot of well meaning people treat alcoholics like the priest and the Levite. They pass by on the other side by scorning them and telling them what low people they are, with no willpower. Whereas, they really have fallen for alcohol, in the same way as the man in the story fell among the robbers. And the member of AA who is working with others is like the Good Samaritan. Am I moved with compassion? Do I take care of another alcoholic whenever I can?

I must constantly live in preparation for something better to come. All of life is preparation for something better. I must anticipate the morning to come. I must feel, in the night of sorrow that understanding joy tells of confident expectation of better things to come. "Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". Know that God has something better in store for you, as long as you are making yourself ready for it. All your existence in this world is a training for a better life to come.

I pray that when life is over, I will return to an eternal, spaceless life with God. I pray that I may make this life a preparedness for a better life to come.

As today's post was rather long I will skip writing out my gratitude list, just know that today I am filled with gratitude and love for all of the blessings I have in my life...and for all of YOU too! Happy HNT!

HEY.... WHERE'D THE WEEK GO?

2007-05-16T09:55:00.000-04:00

In usual Lushgurl form, I have managed to sleep away, the week so far! I am not about to beat myself up for it this time though, ya see, things are still getting better in my world! I did manage to make some phone calls earlier in the week. I am caught up on most of my housework, and I have been out to take some pics of my growing garden, so all in all, the whole week was not lost. In case anybody hasn't noticed this about me, I hafta figure out why I do the things I do. I've always been kind of analytical like that. So I do know that part of the reason for my sleep fest is that it has been raining all week so far. I think another reason I've been sleeping is that we are fast approaching my one year anniversary, and in my determination to get there, I want to not leave any room for F-ups! I have been known to be the Queen of Sabotage in the past, so I figure " How much trouble can I actually get into if I'm sleeping! " Today is back to life day though. Thankfully, I see my therapist, later today and I have my relapse prevention group tonight, and after that, I have a date with my mom! Busy, busy, busy!

In today's Daily Reflection's it talks about forgiveness, and I am constantly amazed to find that I have been able to forgive myself, as well as many other people for being human, making mistakes. That is one of the gifts that this program has given me today...

Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisors that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.

What a great feeling forgiveness is! What a revelation about my emotional, psychological and spiritual nature. All it takes is willingness to forgive; God will do the rest.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

that I am clean and sober today
all of the rain that has brought new blooms to my garden
tomorrow will be my first official HNT post
I have been able to forgive my mom, and become friends with her today
this week I have gotten lots of 'beauty sleep', so I should be OK to face the world!
my Angel trimmed my hair on the weekend- it felt great to lose some dead ends
I have everything I need today, and then some
all of my sober blogging buddies- that means YOU
my HP decided to wake me up today

I will see you all half naked tomorrow! Bye for now!!

THE EASIER SOFTER WAY

2007-05-14T11:20:00.000-04:00

That is the title of today's Daily Reflections' reading, let's see if any of it relates to me or you...

If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 72

I certainly didn't leap at the opportunity to face who I was, especially when the pains of my drinking days hung over me like a dark cloud. But I soon heard at the meetings about the fellow members who just didn't want to take Step Five and kept coming back to meetings, trembling from the horrors of reliving his past. The easier, softer way is to take these Steps to freedom from our fatal disease, and to put our faith in the fellowship and our Higher Power.

Yup, this works for me! I have often shared in the rooms, how I have found AA to be the easier, softer way. When I think back to all the creative ways I found to avoid myself, my feelings, my actions, and how much more pain I would cause for myself and all the people around me, I know that MY way wasn't working very well at all. Today I feel so much freer, I have faith that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at the time to face myself and my defects of character, it will never be as bad as it could be to avoid them. All of the covering up, the back peddling in a vain attempt to save face. All of the remorseful thoughts, the "really wish I hadn't done , said or thought that". WOW, way too much work for me! Today I am lucky to have all of the experiences of my past failures, the lessons I can learn from them, and the other members of the program to help and guide me. Of course I also have a loving and patient God who gently reminds me that I don't have to hurt me to learn from my mistakes.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

I have found an easier , softer way of life
there are many people I can call to share my doubts and fears with
my HP never gave up on trying to lead me to where I am today
I got to spend Mother's Day with my Angel, and share my love with her
today is another wonderful sunny day
I have even more stuff blooming in my garden
Today I can choose to NOT have a "whinefest"
if I am tired, I can rest
if I am sad I can cry
if I am happy I can share my happiness with others
all of my clean and sober friends who walk the path with me...that means YOU
my sponsor , who shares all of her E, S and H with me
A soft place to fall, and a gentle nudge to help me up again

Happy Monday to all today!

I'M STALKIN', YES INDEED....I'M STALKIN'....

2007-05-12T10:59:00.000-04:00

Holy, I haven't really blog-stalked in a while! Nope, I've been visitin' here and there, but to sit and stalk like I used to? Not so much! I realize just how many of you out there I have come to appreciate and dare I say...LOVE. Wow, who'd a thunk I even had it in me to actually feel this way about one person, let alone a whole big buncha drunks, just like me? Yup, the times they are a-changin' for me. Case in point, last night was the 3rd AA Birthday for a member of my home group ( I so love these celebrations), and next week we will have another B-day, a two year one...and then another one in the beginning of June, for 13 years, and then mine, 365 days...And at each and every one, I find my heart swelling with love and gratitude. my eyes brimming with tears, and my mind filled with awe at how special and lucky we all are.

In my trAAvels today, someone said that they kind of wonder about the people who seem to always be positive, and lately I find that I am one of those people! The old me would have immediately questioned my own sincerity, perhaps even indulged in some stinking-thinking with a dessert of the poor-me-blues. Today though I am embracing the feelings of being positive and happy, For too many years, I waited for the other shoe to drop, and indeed, if it did not drop if its' own accord, I would take it off and throw it down like a guantlet! I challenge ye to a duel Sorrow. Misery thy name is Lushgurl. Guilt, take me as your lover. Anger, I pray to feel your wrath.... So where has this sad, lonely, angry, confused little gurl gone? WHO CARES!!! Today I feel all of my emotions, I just choose to stay with the good ones longer. I think that my experiences have taught me very well, how to ride the wave of negativity, but I'm finding I kinda like waking up bieng OK with me. And I am learning more and more, to be OK with you too. This is a BIG change for me, and the Big Book says, "Change we must"... Do any of y'all have thoughts on this today? Yeah, I know I've added that southern twang, must have picked it up in my travels, LOL.

Enjoy today's Daily Reflection with me...

AA experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and character defects which cause or aggravate them. If... Step Four... has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember...then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

Whatever is done is over. It cannot be changed. But my attitude about it can be changed through talking with those who have gone before and with sponsors. I can wish the past never was, but if I change my actions in regard to what I have done, my attitude will change. I won't have to wish the past away. I can change my feelings and attitudes, but only through my actions and the help of my fellow alcoholics.

For me this really sums it all up, and it also says in the promises "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..." Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

That I don't regret my past anymore
my Angel and I 'really' talked last night
we have an extra day together this weekend due to a P.D. day at school
my Angel is sick, and I know how to care for and comfort her
I am a new, and excited member of HNT- thanks dAAve for the invite!
MY boys actually broke their long losing streak yesterday- World Series here we come
my muscles are achin', in a good way, from all of my walking and bike riding
all three of the women who I asked to speak next month have said yes!
for each and every one of YOU
that I am clean and sober for another day

See ya all later, peace out...

HAPPY HALF NAKED THURSDAY!

2007-05-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

OK, so I know I am not a member of HNT officially, but I have been faithfully blog-stalking y'all for quite a while. It seems to me, now that I am kinda getting the hang of this picture taking thing, that I should be able to post under the guise of being an official member of HNT! Oh and a BIG shout out and thank you to Christine, visit her here: http://uzdtabwild.blogspot.com/, who suggested I get down to take my pics, instead of taking them from above.... hmmmm, it seems she just may be onto something here! Oh boy, you guys are in trouble now, a monster has been created! So, in the order that they appear- these first flowers are violets, they were given to me about five years ago by a counsellor I was seeing. This next shot is of my new daffodils, I planted them last fall, but I have never successfully grown a 'stand' of daffodils before, so I am proud of any part I may have had in growing these! The last picture is of 'Trampcat' (her real name has been changed to protect her identity), whenever I am in my garden, she throws herself down at my feet so I'll pay attention to her! The poor little thing, she leads such a stressful life, what with all the many naps each day, and all of the kids in the neighborhood who want to pet her, and houses to visit when someone leaves their front door open, clearly she is in dire need of some affection!

And now, this next message is brought to you from our Daily Reflection's...

Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility- a word often misunderstood... it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we would be. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 58

I knew deep down inside that if I were ever to be joyous, happy and free, I had to share my past life with some other individual. The joy and relief I experienced after doing so were beyond description. Almost immediately after taking the Fifth Step, I felt free from the bondage of self and the bondage of alcohol. This freedom remains after 36 years, a day at a time. I found that God could do for me what I couldn't do for myself.

TodayI am grateful/thankful for the following...

I am willing and able to accept critisism, sometimes I don't know what the heck I am doing!
I sent my mom a Mothers' Day card thanking her for all of the things she taught me, and for giving me life
it is not raining yet today- I hafta go get groceries, and they're predicting thunder storms
last nights' speaker, had a great AA message and it was a 17 year birthday
my Angel is coming to visit tomorrow, so she will be with me on Mothers' Day
whatever I am doing this time, seems to be working.... I am clean and sober today
the new(er)comers at my relapse prevention group, I can learn so much from them
all of the people who drop by my little blog to say "hi !"
all of my sober blogging friends- that means YOU- thanks for sharing with me
Trampcat who still loves to cuddle like a kitten, even though she is over 11 years old

Bye for now...stalk to ya later!

I SUCK AT PICTURE TAKING!

2007-05-09T10:43:00.000-04:00

Although my pictures leave much to be desired, I still want to share my garden with you all! Thank goodness I have a green thumb, because I'd never make it as a photographer! On that note, here is today's reading from 24 Hours a Day...

We alcoholics used so little self-control when we were drinking, we wre absolutely selfish, that it does us good to give up something once in a while. Using self-discipline and denying ourselves a few things is good for us. At first, giving up liquor is a big enough job for all of us, even with God's help. But later on, we can practice self-discipline in other ways, to keep a firm grip on our minds so that we don't start any wishful thinking, If we daydream too much, we'll be in danger of slipping. Am I practicing enough self-discipline?

In material things, you must rely on your own wisdom and that of others. In spiritual things, you cannot rely so much on your own wisdom as on God's guidance. In dealing with personalities, it is a mistake to step out too much on your own. You must try to be guided by God in all human relationships. You cannot accomplish too much of value in dealing with people until God knows you are ready. You alone do not have the power or the wisdom to put things right between people. You must rely on God to help you in these vital matters.

I pray that I may rely on God in dealing with people's problems. I pray that I may try to follow His guidance in all personal relationships.

For me this is so true. Left to my own devices, I can leave a wake of destruction in my path. When I first moved to Toronto, newly out of treatment, some of my friends (who, by the way, were all guys), used to call me a little tornado. It seemed that I had a way of stopping by long enough to have someone (fall in) love me, and then I'd move on. I see now how very selfish I was then. I did not mean for people to get hurt, but I hurt them anyways. I know now how very insecure I really was. I had just broken up with my husband of seven months- so much for "better or worse". At that point in my life, I was feeling so unlovable, so I looked for the love 'out of me'. By the time I got back to recovery THIS time, I had been engaged five times and married once! Wow, talk about needing validation from other people! Today I love me, although there are still days when I love me less, I only need to listen to my HP, to know that I am loved, and not search for that love through others. I think this reading is appropriate in that, I do need guidance in learning to live with, and deal with people in my life.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

although I suck at taking pictures, I can still share my garden!
I am clean and sober today
I am willing to learn and grow- even if sometimes it is painful to me
I do not wish bad things for anyone today
living in the solution feels much better than living in the problem
if I am open and honest, He can use me to carry the message
I am able to love people for who they are, not what they can give me
I am able to love myself for who I am
it is Wed. , that means I have my relapse prevention group and the Rainbow AA group
all of my blogging buddies...that means YOU
everywhere I look, there is beauty to be seen

I wish everyone a great day today, and one for me too!

MORE SPRING BLOOMS ON A BRAND NEW DAY

2007-05-08T12:36:00.000-04:00

Ironically. todays' Daily Reflections reading is entitled "A resting place"...

All of AA's Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires...they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than Step Five. But scarecly any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

After writing down my character defects, I was unwilling to talk about them, and decided it was time to stop carrying this burden alone. I needed to confess those defects to someone else. I had read-and been told- I could not stay sober unless I did. Step Five provided me with a feeling of belonging, with humility and serenity when I practiced it in my daily living. It was important to admit my defects of character in the order presented in Step Five: "to God, to ourselves, and to another human being." Admitting to God first paved the way for admission to myself and to another person. As the taking of the Step is described, a feeling of being at one with God and my fellow man brought me to a resting place where I could prepare myself for the remaining Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.

I am not afraid to admit my defects of character today. What a relief to be able to let go of those things that hold me back from being a better person. Early in the program I was willing to do a Step Four and Five, but not able to be entirely honest, I wonder if this in any way contributed to the relapses that were to follow on my travels through the program, LOL. Today I am able to look deep within myself to examine what my own motives are in given situations. I never used to think that I had an agenda for anything, I was living in a victim role, life just 'happened to me'. I found that for me, taking responsibility for my own actions, and the consequences or benifits that followed was freeing. Knowing that I am not alone in the world or in my recovery have increased my faith, and therefore my strength in making changes and better decisions.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

my dope smoking neighbors have not been invading my space
every new day is making more flowers bloom in my garden
I spoke to an old (young) friend on the phone today, and we are hoping to work together at the outdoor market again
that I know God loves me even when I have doubts about my self-love
If I continue to do the next right thing, my life will continue to get better
I am able to not obsess so much about whether or not Angel will come home to live
I feel good today, my prayers are being answered
I have everything I need and then some
All of my sober friends who share their E. S and H with me, that means YOU!
I haven't told any lies so I don't need a good memory!
today I am not afraid to look you in the eye...Hey there, how YOU doin' ?

Later my friends!

LET THE PAST REST IN PEACE

2007-05-07T13:38:00.000-04:00

Today is the anniversary of my fathers' death. He died at the age of 61, after a fairly short battle with lung cancer, May 6 1992...
Rest in peace now daddy... you are at home with your Father.

this was written yesterday, but I didn't have the energy to finish the post...
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This weekend was bitter sweet for me. Friday was my mom's birthday, and Sunday was the anniversary of my fathers' death. On these days, a part of me always goes back to when my dad died. He had been quite ill for about six months, his cancer had already spread from his lungs to his spine, by the time they found it. My mom though, was determined that he would get better, I guess clinging to hope. The truth was that she was deep in denial. Her mother was also very ill at the time, and my mother had taken a trip to visit her mother just days before my dad passed. I think that he knew his time was up, and how worried my mom was about her mother, so he convinced her to go for a visit. I hadn't seen my father since the Christmas before and I knew he was not long for this world. By May I was able to make the trip home again. I had been dealing with some childhood issues, and wanted to 'confront' my father before he died. The day I got to Ottawa, he had a stroke and had to be hospitalized. My mother was called and also came home, it was her birthday that day. The stress of taking care of my dad , and the guilt of her not being there when he had his stroke was too much for my mother and she had a breakdown of sorts. She took it out on me, and my sister did too, I ended up leaving Ottawa then, and my dad died two days later. At the funeral, my mother was hysterical, and had to be pulled away from the coffin, she didn't want to let my dad go. Neither my mom nor my sister were speaking to me at this point. It was very painful, I felt as if I had lost my whole family in one week. I went home with my nine month old baby, broke up with her father for good, and began the process of my own healing.

So here I am fifteen years later, my mom and I have healed our relationship. My sister and I are at least on speaking terms again. And I am grateful to be clean and sober, to have my health, and to be able to show love to the people in my life while they are still here.

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading (sorry Steve, I had a few days!)...

Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.
Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this passage. I must go to any length to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I had sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at anothers' expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.

When I take the Fifth Step it's wiser to choose someone with whom I share common aims because if that person doesn't understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse. So I ask for divine guidance before choosing the man or woman whom I take into confidance.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

that I am clean and sober
Angel and I had a good weekend together
it is another beautiful sunny day
I am no longer afraid to do my Fourth and Fifth Steps
more flowers are blooming in my garden
there are people who wonder where I am, if they don't see me for a while
my safe and loving home
my cats and my budgie
my health
my HP is doing for me what I could not do for myself
even when I feel a little sad, it's OK 'cause I know that it will pass
all of my sober blogging buddies... that means ALL of YOU!

I hope everyone has a peaceful and sober day today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOMMY!

2007-05-04T10:59:00.000-04:00

Holy cow, today is my mom's 71st birthday! I can hardly wait to call her and wish her a great day, and tell her how I love her. Not so many years ago, I wouldn't even have called her on her birthday, I am so happy that my mom is alive and well, and I look forward to seeing and talking to her. Being a mom myself, I think, has changed my perception of my own mother in so many ways. Now I know how she must have worried seeing me determined to destroy myself and helpless to do anything about it. Now I can appreciate how for years, she had to let me go, as the pain of seeing me hurting was too much for her to bear. I am grateful today to have my mom in my life. I have forgiven her for the ways I felt she was not there for me. I can accept her and love her today for who she is. I can have compassion today, for the horrible life my mom had to endure, and how she still loves me with all of my imperfections. I am grateful today, that this amazing woman gave me life...what a miracle!

I was asked to share my story last Sunday, and I noticed that I no longer have bad feelings when sharing about my early years. More than ever, I have been able to look at things from a different view point, one with love and compassion instead of blame and regret. This is, for me, proof that this program is working today in my life. For that I am very happy.

Here is today's Daily Reflections' reading...

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long and happily in this world.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.73-74

Honesty, like all virtues, is to be shared. It began after I shared "... {my} whole life's story with someone..." in order to find my place in the fellowship. Later I shared my life in order to help the newcomer find his place with us. This sharing helps me to learn honesty in all my dealings and to know God's plan for me comes true through honesty, openness and willingness.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

I have volunteered to be secretary at my home group for the month of May
it is another beautiful sunny day in my world
I have more flowers about to bloom in my garden
everyday can be filled with new adventures, if I choose it to be
eleven months of clean and sober living
all of my blogging friends who wished me well on my 11 month day!
pink toe nail polish...thanks MC and Gwen!
pink anything, flowers, clothes, my bloggy, it's my favorite colour
I have everything I need today, and then some
I will get to see the Maven and her Spawnling tonight, in person!
I have been awake since 7:00 AM, and have managed to stay out of trouble!

ELEVEN MONTHS OF MIRACLES

2007-05-02T09:53:00.000-04:00

The following quotes were sent to me via e-mail this morning from Cali, who reminded me that today is my eleven months clean and sober... YAY ME!!! Of course it wouldn't be right to hog all the glory, 'cause as you all know, I DID NOT do this alone! And on that note...

-Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.
-Acceptance is mandatory; understanding is optional.
-"Let go or be dragged." (told to me by Jeff W.)
-"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy
-"I have to remember that the people on top of the mountain didn't fall there." ~Sara T.
-If the cure works, chances are you have the disease.
-I must keep my recovery first to make it last.
-"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain
-"It's always the rug you've been sweeping things under that gets pulled out from under you." ~Unknown

And for more words of wisdom, today's Daily Reflection's reading is...

Lighting the dark past
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possesion you have- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert misery and death for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 124

No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark-as some days must be- the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

for eleven months of clean and sober life
that I am no longer 'locked' in my past
that I can see how my experiences can benefit others
for all of the AA friends, in my life- that means all of YOU
the Maven and her hubby celebrated fourteen years together- WOW!
I have made a new friend in the program, a woman, who 'gets' me!
tonight I will start a new relapse prevention group- I like this better than the alternative
my new 'old' sponsor is always there when I need her
the phone doesn't always weigh a hundred pounds!
I spent some time in my garden today, the hyacinths smell sooo pretty
I have everything I need today, and then some
it is a sunny day that reflects my mood
I have come to believe in a Power Greater than myself, and He is restoring me to sanity

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS

2007-05-01T11:53:00.000-04:00

Well I guess it's official, the first flowers to bloom in my garden are these yellow hyacinths! All of the rain that we'd been having that had wreaked havoc on my hair, has brought forth beauty in my garden again! One of the reasons that I love the spring so much. Last fall I planted more bulbs, I watered them and fed them, and like a miracle every spring all these gorgeous flowers appear where there were none before! I am grateful today for the seasons that we get to experience every year. The different weather, the different sights and smells. It's like every four months, the whole world changes, a new adventure. But also something to count on, like the winter that follows the fall, so shall the spring follow the winter.

I was lucky enough to be asked to tell my story on Sunday night. I wasn't nervous until I got to the meeting and noticed just how many people were there! But I said a few simple words of prayer before hand, and searched out the faces of the people I knew. A few people from my home group had come to support me, and that was comforting. I just told my truth, trying not to tell a drunk-a-logue. Instead I said that the drinking escapades would be similar for most of us, I asked that people tried to relate with the feelings that brought me to the place of my own self destruction. There was, of course, a lot of fear. There was the feeling that I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. There were feelings of hopelessness that I would never be happy, or find what it was that I was supposed to to in my life. I did talk about the sexual abuse and the physical abuse that I had witnessed as a little gurl, as these things had played a large part in eroding my self esteem, and teaching me that my feelings didn't matter. The biggest message that I got was reality, as I knew it, was not the reality that other people saw. And after years of being told that my memories were wrong, I learned that not only were other people untrustworthy, but I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions either.

I shared about my first exposure to the program, just over 20 years ago, and how I went mostly to support a friend. I said that I switched addictions, in a sense, to eating disorders, which almost took my life, but had enabled me to stay sober long enough to get a one year medallion. I know now, that I had not "completely given myself to this simple program", and for me, that meant going back out to do more research, maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic! The path that I took was like making great strides and then plummetting back down into pain and oblivion, then back again to sobriety. Not all of us "get" this program the first time around, some do, but for me I just didn't want to give up my sense of control, and that was the thing that sent me back out again and again.

I shared how even having my daughter taken from my care was not enough of an incentive to get sober, I talked about wanting to die because I didn't think I could survive the pain. And then I shared how, in treatment I had, what I call an epiphany. My focus, at the beginning, was to get my child back, I completely reserved the right to smoke pot, when my child got home. I thought I would probably drink again, when my child was returned to me. All I could think of was how all I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and to be declared unfit, to know I had put my child in danger, were very good reasons for me to continue drinking and using. I felt I was nothing without my child in my life. Then a counselor told me that I had to love me enough to get well, that no matter where my daughter lived, she still needed a healthy mom, that I needed to want to be better for me. And all of a sudden I "got" it. I had to make ME the reason for recovery. I had to value MY life, in order to give anything to others. That was the turning point in my recovery.

This was the third time within this past eleven months that I had been asked to share my story. I find it amazing that not only would any one want to hear my story, but people thanked me for sharing after! I was able to go through the promises one by one and show how they have all come true for me today. But for me, it is the miracle of the program working, that give me the courage to share. I have done a lot of work, but have not done any of it alone. All of you were there with me, your encouragement and understanding. The welcome back to the program has kept me coming back. I was welcomed with love, not judgement. I have seen this pogram work in so many lives, all over the world, it can and will work for any one who is willing.

IT'S RAINING AGAIN!

2007-04-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

Well, it is Sunday, and still rainin', but I am not all depressed and pissed off that if I go outside I will...
A) melt because I am so sweet
B) hafta freak 'cause my hair and rain don't get along well
C) stay indoors just because it's raining

I guess by MY standards, this all counts as progress!

It is a good day though, despite the rain!
My Angel is sleeping soundly in her bed.
I have been up since 8:00 this morning and have managed to stalk all of my favorite people.
I was asked to speak at a meeting tonight, and I am not nervous, 'cause I know He will put the words in my mouth
plans for my upcoming AA b-day are now in the works, and I think I'll make it ODAAT
by next weekend I will be able to post new pics of my garden in bloom
my new, old, sponsor has welcomed me back into her life
I had enough milk for the three coffee's I have drank since waking up
even though Angel is almost 16, she still loves to cuddle wit Hersickmomma
my mommy called me this week, and she loves me still
all of my cyber friends keep visiting my little bloggy...even though by now they MUST realize I am a freak

In case any of you all were wonderin', that was my gratitude list for today! I know I am kinda doin' it backwards, but I always have been a little backwards, and I am OK with it!!!

Our first attempts at inventories are apt to prove unrealistic. I used to be a champ at unrealistic self-appraisal. On certain occasions, I wanted to look only at the part of my life that seemed good. Then I would greatly exaggerate whatever virtues I supposed I had attained. Next I would congratulate myself on the grand job I was doing in AA.

Naturally this generated a terrible hankering for still more "accomplishments", and still more approval. I was falling straight back into the patten of my drinking days. Here were the same old goals- power, fame, and applause. Besides, I had the best alibi known- the spiritual alibi. The fact that I really did have a spiritual objective made the utter nonsence seem perfectly right.

This was taken from randomly opening As Bill Sees It, and landing on page 193 ! So I guess one of my goals for today will not be to garner applause, pats on the back and laughter in my sharing. All I can do is honestly share what it was like, what happened, and what it is like today...A message from my HP, perhaps?

Keep coming back!

JOYFUL DISCOVERIES

2007-04-27T07:42:00.000-04:00

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answeres will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 164

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.
Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joy found in being able to live another day in God's grace.

Not so very long ago, I remember wishing that I would not have to face another day. Although I had many moments of good things, maybe even joy, my world had become so small. Each day was pretty much the same as the one before. And one constant for me was the pain I felt. It was the pain of not having my daughter with me, I knew it was my own actions that caused her to be taken from my home. It was the pain of knowing that I would drink again that very day, and knowing that the results of my drinking would likely be the same as the day before. I would have blackouts daily, somedays I would wake up injured, only to guess at what I had done to cause the injuries. I would always wake up hungover, going to the same job, with the same customers in the same sick environment. I wanted so badly to stop the cycle of pain and hopelessness that I faced everyday, but my methods to do so, were indeed just causing more of the same pain.

Today I wake up at unGodly hours, for me! But I have clear memories of the night before. If I wake up not feeling well, I have the faith that "this too shall pass". If it is raining out, like it is today, I can be thankful for the nourishment to my garden. I don't always have plans for each day, but I know that it can and will be a good day if I continue to ask for guidance. I feel love every single day, I have many moments of joy everyday. I wonder what the day will bring, but not with dread.

Today I am truly grateful/thankful for the following...

the cleansing rain that is falling
my pounding headache is from a cold, not a hangover
my daughter has decided to spend the whole weekend with me
at my home group tonight, I will ask to celebrate my one year in June
my Angel told me last night that she is so proud of me for this accomplishment
I am proud of me for the hard work I am doing today
I spoke to a suffering friend yesterday, and he is taking care of himself
I only have to look around to see the beauty of the program in my life today
for all of my clean and sober friends who walk this road to happy destiny with me. that means all of you
I am clean and sober today, and happy to be so
even though I don't feel great I am still motivated to do housework
I have decided to have the inscription "Happy, Joyous and Free" put on my one year medallion
I truly wish good things in my heart for all my fellows, and again -that means YOU!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone, unless you have made OTHER plans!!!

ENTERING A NEW DIMENSION

2007-04-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

I have been blessed in my life that a couple of struggling alcoholics have reached out to me lately. Make no mistake, I do not take this lightly, nor do I let this be a measure of my own importance. I have had some really rough times in recovery, as we all have had. I have felt the need to go back out there on a number of occasions too, as a few of us have. I am no different, no better, no worse than any of my fellow AA's. If in any way I can impact the life of just one person suffering from this disease, then my work has only just begun. If , in my life, I can carry the message that for me, AA IS the easier, softer way, then perhaps I am doing a little giving back. We can only keep what we have so graciously been given if we give it away. For me that means embracing this program of recovery and all of the promises that have come true for me today. It means I will ask only to know what His will is for me and to have the courage to carry this out. It means I will love and accept myself today, in all my freakishness and all of my imperfections, because as a good friend often reminds me, I AM God's baby gurl!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try AA principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension- freedom under God as we understand Him.
As Bill Sees It pg.283

I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of AA, alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was "This could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round." The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: "Being powerless over alcohol is no big deal." I'm free and I'm grateful!

I remember so many years ago, at the very first meeting that I had found the courage to take that mile long walk and receive my first white chip. The man who was doing the chips that night said "This is a full refund guarantee, if the results of this program are not satisfactory to you, you can return to your misery." Everybody laughed at his humour, but at the time I thought, how ridiculous, who in their right minds would choose to go back to all of the misery that drinking caused us. The answer is simple for me today: No one!!! If and when we make a decision to pick up that first drink or drug, we are not in our right minds. For me my right mind includes allowing my HP to lead me, having gratitude for the absence of the obsession to use and carrying the message in all of my affairs!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following:

that there are people today that want what I have
that there are many people out there whose program I desire- serenity, self acceptance, many 24 hours of recovery
that dAAve pointed out that my video distracted him from reading my post- Hey dAAve...I disabled it just for you!
I live in a safe and loving home today
I have been eating actual food for breakfast
I am free from the obsession to drink/use today
all of my wonderful AA friends who share their E, S and H with me, and their difficulties too!
I am learning to not judge me for the mistakes I make, but to find out what I can learn from them
ALL OF YOU!!!

LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES

2007-04-24T09:43:00.000-04:00

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us... We were trying to find emotional security either by domination of by being dependant upon others... We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependance.
As Bill Sees It pg. 252

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life- my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.
It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor, actually, she is one of two counsellors that I see. They both work for Rideauwood, #1 I have known for about nine or ten years, #2 I met in my ten day treatment program last summer. I think that at the beginning of the process, there must have been side bets to see if I actually would be able to complete the ten days...By the end of the process, I was told by many who worked there, and by my treatments friends, that I had so much to offer, and that I should consider going back to assist the facilitators in future programs. Ironically when I had gone back to college, it was to become a Child and Youth Worker. Of course for me, I was so not ready to treat others' because I still had so much work to do with me. I dropped out of college, relapsed shortly thereafter, and stopped all recovery in my life.

(When) I get two years of sobriety, I will be able to work at Rideauwood as an aid, then who knows. For me it seems that maybe I can be whoever I want to be, and do anything I set my mind to. With the grace of God, the fellowship of AA and all of the people who support me in my recovery today, the sky is the limit!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

I am clean and sober today
even though there were some rough spots on the weekend "I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me"
we didn't get the thunder storm that was predicted last night
I was able to share the new growth in my garden with all my favorite peeps
my Blue Jays trounced the Red Sox last night-go Jays!
Trampcat always loves to cuddle with me, and she purrs when I just 'talk' to her
Toughboy goes out every night to 'tom' but comes home to mommy every morning
I spoke to someone who works at the outdoor market yesterday, and he's going to talk to my former boss to get me hired this year
I watch Ellen Degeneres every morning and I still laugh without being stoned or drunk
my lovely and safe home
all of my wonderful cyber-friends...yes this means YOU
my Higher Power loved me when I couldn't love myself

I hope everyone has the best day EVER, I think I'll have one myself! Love and HUGS to all today...

MY BABY GARDEN !

2007-04-22T18:36:00.000-04:00

WELCOME TO MY BITCH FEST!

2007-04-22T16:48:00.000-04:00

I apologize in advance for the beginning of this post, but I just gotta get a few things off my chest! Yesterday ended up sucking!!! First off, as I shared in yesterdays early post, my day started out by having to breathe in the smoke of a neighbors' joint. OK so I got past it, I went in the house and blog-stalked some, then I posted, so I felt ok. Angel was supposed to come yesterday for only one day, she had "ditched" me, her loving momma, on Friday to chill wit da gurls. Fine, I can allow that... but then she called yesterday to ask if it was ok to not come again, *sniff, sniff*, pass the tissue please! I said it was OK , I missed her, but her and da gurls were sun-tanning, it was such a beautiful day and all... Well I resisted the urge to lay a big ol' sloppy guilt trip on her, I didn't want her to come and do nothing here with me, but then I got off the phone and bawled like a big baby!

I grabbed my meditation books and read them, then I called my former sponsor, who I had unceremoniously replaced in the winter time! She was busy moving, but took the time to talk to me. I told her that I really missed her, and wanted her back and we are going to be working on our fourth step together. Then I made another call to someone I was in treatment with, he should be getting his 1 year soon, no one was home, so I bawled again!!!

A gurl friend (Maven) dropped by with a bicycle pump for me, so to get out of my own misery, I went to pump up my tires. When I was in the basement I decided to bring out my chairs and the rest of my garden buddies (fairies, turtles, bunnies, frog and some lanterns). Puttering in my garden always seems to improve my mood. And it worked for a while, I was outside for over an hour weeding, placing all of my garden prizes. I had a big bottle of water, and just sat out looking at all of my stuff that is starting to grow. It was really peaceful. Then I watered and just before I was done "druggy neighbor" came out with another joint. I said, you know when you smoke in your backyard, I can smell it inside my house. She looked at me as if I had sprouted two heads,
then she turned away...HOW RUDE...

This was very unnerving to me. I was polite, I didn't yell or pass judgement, I just pointed out that HER stuff was affecting ME, and she didn't care! So I got on my bike and went for a ride. On my travels, I came across two cops, normally I would avoid these guys, but I was feeling kinda helpless, frustrated, and I thought maybe they could help. I told them that I was in recovery and coming up to my first year. I explained how I had several neighbors who smoked dope outside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and how the smell really triggered me, and how it wafted into my house, and how I had to stay indoors and shut the windows because of this. Their advice? MOVE!!! WTF??? As if I would have to move...I have been here for five years, longer than all of my neighbors...why do I have to move? I continued on my ride and looked forward to getting home to watch my Blue Jays play. They lost...DOH *slaps forehead*...

I had picked up some popcorn at the store and didn't even feel like eating it, so I had a rolo ice cream, nothing like eating my feelings after a tough day LOL ! There is just something about that rolo ice cream, it is sweet and not too chocolatey, it has yummy caramel inside, and it is dipped in chocolate too! Heaven on earth, dare I say better than sex ? Yes... 'cause it's been so long I don't even think I remember !!! I did some more blog-stalking and went to bed about 1:00.

Today has been a somewhat better day. I just really felt the need to vent! I coulda gone to a meeting last night but was too busy "having a day". I know, this is not good for me, and trust me, now that I have my 'blue mustang with the top down' pumped up and ready to go, I'll be travelling to a LOT more meetings. That is what got me through last summer and I am confident that it will work again. I don't have to want to go every time, but I do have to go more. I am really hoping to celebrate my one year in June, so I gotta take care of me, right? OK enough bitching for today, actually that little bitch fest should tide me over for quite a while! Thanks for listening!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections...

NEW SOIL...NEW ROOTS

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.

As Bill Sees It pg.173

So there you have it, planting, light bulb moments and my need to self destruct, all in one nice neat little package!!! Have a great day folks...